Ryan lies its been the most talented year in the whole history of Idol EVER. I’ve not seen much evidence of this, even when they briefly recap the handful of contestants who COULD actually string three notes together in tune. Season 9’s finest hour so far, appears to be General Larry Platt’s “Pants On The Ground” which may have raised a brief curl of a smile on my face when I FIRST watched the show, but like the rest of the population, am now heartily sick of. Surely Larry is well overdue being put out to pasture in the Regis Philbin Home for the Nearly Dead Elderly Entertainer?

Jessica Furney from Denver tried out years ago but although seemed to have decent enough singing voice, we all know that’s NEVER enough for this show, so this year she is back. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to be clinging to a tale of doom which involve dead people or disease. Instead, she pulls a masterstroke and chooses a song that was co-written (and I use that term in its loosest possible sense) by Simon Cowell. Its Leona’s Footprints in the Sand. She promises she hasn’t chosen it to suck up but she SO did. Vicky Beckham (looking like Aunt Flo from Bod that took her Weight Watchers regime to the outer limits) is super impressed that Simon has written a song and goes rather swoony over him for awhile. He has the grace to look sheepish because in reality all he did was find this rather cool poem and told one of his paid song writers to base a tune around it. But I won’t tell if you don’t. Anyway, Jessica is rather good and does the “beautiful song” justice. Vicks interrogates Simon a bit more on his song writing skills and wants to know if he has written anymore? He very nearly blushes but not quite and deflects Posh’s Jack Bauer style questioning by ordering they vote. Its unanimous yeses for Jessica and her masterful song choice.

Ryan drops the bombshell that the road to Hollywood is paved with Attention Seekers and says its important to stand out. That’s why he used to wear those see through shirts and flouncy pink scarves. I miss those. Auditonee Amanda shows him that to stand out these days, you need to do a squeaky version of Britney, which he admires then sweetly asks her to do Lil’ Wayne as well. Amanda’s other talent is talking with her mouth closed which I’m sure can be handy for certain tasks. Not sure a singing audition is one of them mind. Anyway, Amanda is from a theatre background and although sings fairly well she fails to connect with the judges which sends her into a spiral of hair tossing and annoying Americanisms – “like SERIOUSLY?” “Like, I can REALLY connect with people”. Like, fuck off. Simon tells her she is “such an actress” and copies her over dramatic manoeuvres, slapping his hands, tossing his head and slamming the desk in faux diva behaviour before giving her a fairly surprising yes. Its Simon at his most adorable and I have to dab my eyes when I contemplate the hideous dull mess this show will be without him. She ends up with a full house and milks her moment with an acceptance speech and a curtsey. I’ve got her earmarked for trouble in Hollywood.

A brief and pointless montage of people with instruments that Ryan tells us they aren’t allowed to play in the audition. OK then. The judges ask a dreadlocked Crystal Bowersox why she has dragged in her guitar to which she replies “its a comfort blanket”. I bet her parents loved that when she was 2. She sings “Another Little Piece Of My Heart” and goes through with the biggest comfort blanket in history. Lee is another kid who comes in complete with his gee-tar but is made to abandon it to sing “Aint No Sunshine” which goes down a storm with the judgement.

There follows a rather dull segment of “fake outs” where contestants pretend they didn’t get a golden ticket but then suddenly produce it from their cleavage / bum crack / Ryan’s jeans. Yawn.

This episode is stuffed full of pointless montages and this next one is titled “Tried Out Before, Didn’t Make It, But Back To Be Humiliated One More Time”. I’d much rather see the one titled “Where Ryan Goes Swimming In Very Small Trunks”. But moving on…its chock a block of previous contestants back for another go. Simon remembers none of them, Kara appears to remember some that auditioned before she even joined the show. Randy just looks hungry and checks his giant sized watch in the hope it might be donut time.

Lacey Brown made the top 50 last year and lost out to the tattooed arms of Megan Joy. This year she is back singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” and the judges love her. She has a beautiful voice and the cynic in me thinks she lost out only to Megan’s tats rather than any comparative singing ability. Its a tick on her scorecard that she didn’t resort to any cheap tricks to get another try out in Hollywood. I may well eat my words when she rolls up with “I love You Simon” tattooed across her forehead come Hollywood week though.

Stephanie Fisher is back for a SEVENTH attempt, this time dressed in slutty hooker clothes and with a rather odd fixation about Posh who she idolises. She stands with her legs spread wider than is lady like and shouts “Fever” at Simon who she admits to having a huge crush on. He tells her she is crap but lets her have another go when she says that Posh is making her nervous. He tells Vicks to turn around so Stephanie can focus but naturally she is still as shit as before, even without Posh’s skeletal grimace to put her off. Simon tells her to come back for American Idol 27. She’d still be crap, but if she was 72 and still wearing the whoring gear, she might make the telly again. Vicky goes and grabs Stephanie for a hug. I think the laces on Steph’s Basque must of caught on a fibre of Vicky’s resplendent gown, as they sway like two matchstick Lowry people caught in a stiff Northern breeze for a good minute before parting.

A trio of 16 year olds go through. Rachel sings to that ugly Jonas Brother, Thaddeus looks like he is 25 years older than 16 but sings sweetly and Genesis has a cool name AND a cool voice. They all go through to very loud screams which only hormonal teens and hateful toddlers seem to be able to carry off.

Next up is a “Sports montage” yet STILL no long awaited footage of Ryan in swimwear. Instead, we are introduced to huge, blond Adrian. Adrian is six feet eight and they make Ryan stand next to him, so its like we are transported to Middle Earth where Frodo encounters Legolas for the first time. Albeit this Frodo is slightly camper and this Legolas slightly less svelte and Elvin than the film versions but I’m sure you get the picture. One of Adrian’s nicknames is “Blondzilla” which he loves and goes on to tell us he is a beautiful manflower which conjures up all sorts of less than healthy images to be honest. Adrian sings Elvis Presley’s Can’t Help Falling In Love With You and naturally the side splitting surprise is that gargantuan Adrian sounds like an 8 year old girl. Kara tells him he sounds like a child and Simon helpfully adds he might have eaten one. Haw. It’s bad news for Blondzilla but he does offer both Simon and Ryan his phone number and email in case a job opportunity arises. I’m not quite sure where an almost seven foot camp giant would slot in amongst their respective companies, but if you don’t ask you don’t get I suppose. I’m sure there might be an opening somewhere….?

Keeping with the theme of hulking men, meet “Big Mike” Lynche who manages to make Adrian appear rather weedy. He has arms the size of barrels and a chest the size of Asia. Fortunately though, this one doesn’t sound like he is wearing too tight underwear and instead has a deep soulful voice. He sings “Unchained Melody” which sends Kara and Miss Chenoweth into a giggling mess although that probably has more to do with his rippling biceps than his singing voice. Big Mike gets a full house of Yes and celebrates by picking up Ryan and jiggling him a bit. Ryan beams hugely and can’t resist fondling one of Mike’s impressive pecs. Good for you honey – I would have done too.

Well that’s enough mountain sized men for now. I feel the train of misery has been too long out of this station so here is Didi Benami with a wagon of woe to share. Her BFF died 4 years ago, which although sad, is a little lame when you are up against recently dead parents and terminal siblings. Still, they milk it to death (pardon the pun) with misty footage and a weepy backing track. In honour of her very dead friend, Didi is singing “Hey Jude” and is really good enough to have gotten through on her singing alone without needing to squeeze the teats of despair. Didi ends the performance with some tears which results in Simon narrowing his eyes and biting down hard on his biro. She gets a small yes from him and more enthusiastic yeses from the others. Ryan promises us more misery after the break. Oh whoopie doo.

Aaron Kelly shares his rather long saga of anguish which involve having incredibly shit parents, being adopted by relatives and basically having a Hard Upbringing. Well that’s how it was peddled. Reading between the lines, all this happened when he was a baby and the relatives that took him seem perfectly nice people, so Aaron probably didn’t remember one single jot of “hardship” but we won’t let that get in the way of a decent shovelling of gloom. Anyway, Aaron sings Miley’s The Climb just to doubly highlight the fact he has had it HARD no doubt. The judges LOVE him. He has a decent enough voice coupled with a sweet little boy look and is just the sort of contestant this show thrives on. If anyone is a shoe in for the lives it’s this kid. I’ll probably loathe him with every fibre of my soul by Week 2.

Kimberley Bishop appears to be here to take the piss. She seems zoned out on illegal substances and tells the camera without a smirk that she thinks she can be the next American Idol because she is into “recycling” and “helping children in Africa”. She sings Katy Perry’s I kissed a Girl whilst hoicking up her skimpy black negligee and rubbing her torso and nether regions suggestively. Unfortunately she can’t sing which is a real bugger because she would liven up Hollywood week no end. Kara thinks she is naughty (but kindly overlooks the fact she is high on crack) and Simon likes the way she grabbed her hair. I’m not sure if he was being REALLY rude here or not. Randy and Kara both say no but Simon says he would have said yes. Kimberley asks if they want another song or if she is dismissed…Simon grins wickedly and suggests that this was a bit of a turn on. Hmm, because scantily clad drug addicts with manners are REALLY his thing. If they were, then Paula would have been Mrs Cowell years ago.

Moving on we meet Shaddaii Harris who appears to have nothing to offer at all except a cute mom who kisses. She massacres “Fallin’” and Simon declares himself allergic to that song now. It’s all a bit of a pointless audition and she is rapidly despatched. That’s what you get for turning up without a back pack of melancholy or catastrophe.

The end appears to be nigh on the Auditions at last. They show Ryan with the Dallas cheerleaders AGAIN almost as if they are trying to make a point. Surely not. Then it’s our last contestant Hope Johnson who has grown up in poverty. American poverty seems much worse than British poverty (where you can only REALLY be classed as on the breadline if you don’t have Sky Sports and have to go to Spain not Bermuda for your hols). American poor people don’t even get food. How third world is that? Our kindly government keeps the entire nation topped up with enough cash for a nice curry and some tinnies from Alde. Hope tells us how she bought home her school lunch for her siblings and how there are much, much worse things than being poor. I’m borderline on vomiting or sniffling. She is a sweet little thing, so maybe all this pimping of suffering is actually genuine. So bloody hard to tell with this show. Anyway, Hope has a voice that is as sweet as she is and the judges are keen. Randy tells her to work on her phrases which sounds important. Ugly Jonas creature nods with a beam, Simon pulls his lip and says how much he likes her. It’s a full set of yes.

And that is IT. Season 9 auditions are over. There is a brief recap of all that we have seen over the last 8 shows – none of it makes my heart soar with expectation. Next week its onwards to Hollywood and Ellen…fingers crossed things improve!

Related posts:

1. Dallas Auditions
2. Denver Auditions
3. Chicago Auditions Review

Vicky Beckham’s back. Since Boston, it looks like she over did it with the lettuce and Ryvita as her left little toe looks absolutely enormous. Still, she has managed to squeeze herself in a wrapper from the Purple one in the Quality Street tin and looks shiny, if a bit disorientated. Ryan steers her back on course like she is his drunken Auntie, teetering out of bingo after a few too many sherries. Randy and Simon have also been affected by altitude sickness and can’t work out where they are. Chicago? Atlanta? Austin? Well, there appear to be no topless male dancers so that rules out Miami. Randy bores Simon with some lame anecdote about him resembling David Beckham which appears to be yet another excuse to Photoshop Randy’s face onto a celebrity. Apart from his perennially wise words about things being “A bit pitchy dawg”, there seems to be very little use for Mr Jackson this season other than to mock in intro sequences.

Our first sacrificial lamb to the Idol slaughter is Mark Labriola, whose dining out large on the fact that wearing a daft beret and some stupid specs cast him as Jack Black’s more annoying brother. When he says “Chillow” instead of hello, then the surge of hate that overflows my very senses is considerable. There then follows a hideous story about a custody battle that is too long and too coma inducing to recap in any form. Simon tries to be cute with it, but struggles, so what hope do I have? It is then, a rather quelle surprise moment that this annoying little gobshite can actually sing fairly well – and does a Squeeze number with surprising aplomb(Squeeze? On Idol? Have we slipped into an alternate reality? One where Miley Cyrus has never been born?). Posh can’t believe that anyone so stupid looking could sing THAT WELL. Because naturally, she is purely superficial and judges only on how thin you are and how good you look in Prada. The other judges concur that she is absolutely right. Simon is well into ugly people that can sing these days, so nods sagely in agreement. After another smattering of shittery about his background, Mark is FINALLY put through with 4 solid yeses.

A hefty, yet pointless montage of contestants we have already seen in previous shows who are shown being “nervous”. To combat the terror of their impending audition, they have employed various techniques including copious amount of hair clutching, exercise, wearing chicken outfits and vomiting over Seacrest. Lets meet Mario Galvan. Mario has a nervous twitchy laugh and has been rolled out as this week’s person to mercilessly mock. Unfortunately dressed in a floor length army trench coat paired with baggy tracksuit bottoms and offering up “Jailhouse Rock” then really, he is asking for all he gets. Simon decides what a jolly jape it would be to copy his laugh after every sentence – which should be cruel and horrible, but is actually rather amusing. But then I’ve always been a sucker for Simon when he is in one of his “Lets humiliate the delusionals” moods. Kara is choking into her Coca Cola cup, and even Posh’s face which is usually frozen into a chilly pout, is cracking under the pressure and is verging on a smile. He is quickly despatched to 4 succinct No’s and actually looks a little disgruntled at the fact the panel failed to recognise his potential.

A little touristy montage of the “Great Outdoors” that Colorado has to offer, the beauty then juxtaposed with a volley of swearing and cussing rejected contestants who blacken the once pure air with their rage. Ryan’s made to spout some inane dialogue about the negative energy turning into hope with the next contestant, Kimberley Kerbow. As a balance to all those nasty, embittered individuals, Kim skips beside a babbling brook with her 5 year old daughter. Unfortunately, the kid may have been peddled as a cute-as-a-button sweet pea, in reality this petulant, obnoxious spawn has massive potential only on Toddlers & Tiaras. The kid is all big attitude and an explosion of crazy drama queen at age sodding FIVE. It makes me wonder that letting kids watch these fame whoring style shows may cause them more long term damage than if you sat them down with their juice boxes in front of Saw.

In the audition room Kimberley bounds in wearing a very obvious wig – which inexplicably Simon fails to snigger and point at. Although it isn’t long before her odd song choice freaks him out totally as she simpers the lyric “I’ll buy you Rogaine when you lose your hair” right at him. Telling Simon he is on the verge of baldness a very dangerous path to tread love. A better bet would to have been clad in a micro bra and a thong coupled with belting out a Leona Lewis number. Despite her suicidal song choice, the judges like her voice and put her through. After she leaves, Simon then can’t resist pointing out he has noticed her incredibly bad hair piece after all. The girls concur and Randy is left in a pool of denial because to him it looked like Real Hair. I’m sure if the wig had been pitchy though, he’d have noticed. Outside, Ryan usurps the hateful children and manages to be cuter than all of them.

A brief menagerie of Yeses as a gaggle of excited contestants are put through and Ryan tells us the judges are impressed with the talent on offer in Denver. Well, Simon is impressed with the wigs anyway.

Next up is Danelle Hayes who scrapes a living by running a Karaoke Bar. Idol is pretty much the biggest Karaoke Competition in the WORLD, so she should fit right in. To keep with today’s theme, she also has a small child to support, although it’s not obnoxiously cute enough to get any telly time.

Danelle decides the best way to endear herself to the panel is to cry about her hardship in clawing a living in the music biz. Kara is usually like a lion after a crippled gazelle when comments like this are made, telling contestants they need to be tough to succeed in the industry, but for some reason the judges treat her with tea and sympathy instead. Even Simon has his concerned pouty face on, instead of his usual sneer of contempt. Danelle sings “I’m The Only One” and the judges swoon over her voice. Simon reckons she has auditioned “just in time” and thinks he can rescue her from “Corporate Hell” which is like the biggest dollop of irony to spill from his gob – EVER. One wonders how thick the Idol contractual dossier is that these poor souls have to autograph before they even get a 1/2 second slot on an Idol promo ad? About as thick as Randy’s meaty thumbs I bet. Still, Simon seems blissfully happy to peddle the notion that Idol is all about sparkly dreams, overnight success, untold riches and snuggly hugs from Seacrest. Danelle swallows the bullshit with one big deluded gulp and is en route to Hollywood – don’t forget to pack an extra case for your contract my dear. And another with hankies to mop up your tears of disappointment when the Idol Corporate Machine spits you back to your humdrum little existence.

After the break, Posh is dispensing fashion advice to a clutch of Denver Delusionals who have come in a cornucopia of tragic outfits including a hot dog costume and a gothic bat suit. She puts through one girl for wearing “nice boots”. Sigh.

Our next offering is Casey James who has come complete with denim and a sob story. Casey NEARLY DIED in a motorcycle accident and has impressive scars to prove it. Fortunately for Casey, they aren’t on his face, because they don’t do ugly on Idol. Disabilities are fine as long as they are cute ones or can be covered up by a hefty application of Max Factor.

Casey’s audition is off to a shaky start and Simon soon calls a halt to it telling him its “bad”. Kara disagrees which gets her a majestic Simon eye roll and a displeased huff. Victoria, as always has her bony little finger on the pulse of the music business and wants to know what Casey would look like with his hair down. It’s at times like this that they should let Simon keep a taser under the desk. Kara and Posh swoon at the sight of Casey with his blond locks now free and keep up the assault by getting him to strip his shirt off too. Simon looks like he wants to fast forward his exit from this excruciating show by precisely one year. He tells Casey he should be deeply embarrassed – which usually doesn’t happen until Hollywood week where everyone gets drunk and forgets their words. It’s a resounding No from Si. The girls have been won over by a fit torso and great hair so say Yes. Randy says Yes as well but advises Casey to find some “Star Persona Pills” from somewhere. And if he can’t find those, some Crystal Meth will probably suffice.

Ryan has collected more children and falls over a few whilst introducing Tori Kelly who he says is 16 but 16 in a way that only American Teenagers can be – i.e. she looks like she is pressing 35. Tori brings in one of the children to her audition as a little lucky charm. Makes a change from sawn off rabbits feet I suppose. The kids brings pictures she has drawn of the judges which impresses Simon who tells her she is a “good drawrer”. Posh tries not to gag as hers makes her look like a portly size 10 and not an emancipated Ethiopian famine victim. Si thinks Randy’s portrait is a photographic likeness in that it’s a big brown blob wearing a hideous top. Eventually they let Tori sing and she does John Mayer’s “Gravity” which the judges seem to enjoy on the whole. Well, the whole bit of the judges that doesn’t include Simon who thought she was “annoying” and would put the kid with the drawings through instead. Victoria presses the point that SHE LOOKS PRETTY SIMON for fucks sake so she should automatically bestowed with a ticket of gold. Simon snipes it isn’t a fashion show and tugs on his crap Primark T Shirt to prove the point. Whilst the less important judges concentrate on putting her through, Simon mutters she looks like a human orange and sulks with his biro.

15 Golden Tickets have been given out on Day 1 and Ryan calls it “our best day yet” which seems a little optimistic seeing as we have only put through a Jack Black lookalike, a karaoke queen, a topless motorcycle crash victim(WITH scars) and the oldest looking teenager in Colorado.

Day 2 dawns with the fuglies in the crowd baying they are all the next American Idol. Ryan admires the confidence on offer and introduces Austin Paul who has a planet sized ego and a pea sized brain. Austin plays (American) football which seems to involve throwing a rugby ball between his legs and not much else. He also composes songs and rides a moped. Both incredibly badly. Austin seems to think he is an Adonis amongst men, whereas in reality he is a horrid wooden caricature and Id put my house the fact that he almost certainly has an incredibly small penis. He creeps out the judges, especially Vicky (who I should add, has today come as a Pepparami with a hair bun) who says he makes her feel itchy. And not in a good way. Kara notes he needs to be brought down a peg or fifty. Anyway, he can’t sing, Simon loathes him and makes the most wonderful vomiting noises as he leaves.

Next up is Kenny Everett (Ha! No – not the dead one) who is almost as hateful and obnoxious as Austen but without the mildly redeeming feature of a fit body. Kenny wails what he professes to be a Mary J Blige song, but really it could have been anything from a commercial for dog food to the phone directory. The judges mouths hang agape in horror. Simon tells him he sounded like he had been punched – and is on the verge of putting that little idea into practise I think. Even after the judges tell him to bugger off he continues to sing and is incredulous that they hate him. This goes on too long but does end quite cutely, when the judges chant at him to “go go go go go” in the style of his final, desperate song choice. In the Booth of Honesty outside he ponders “How can four people tell you you can’t sing when you know you are a good singer? There has to be something up with THAT.” Yes, it means you are on the verge of paranoid schizophrenia. Keep taking the meds mate.

Ryan tells us we 5000 miles above sea level and the air is thin, much like the talent. There follows a comedic interlude of meths swilling crazies for our delight. A screeching Goth girl to whom Simon notes has killed every cat in Denver with her incessant high pitched wail, fat girls who barge the cameramen like angry quarterbacks, a high pitched pretty gay lad with great hair but less great vocals and a school maths nerd who sings Elvis in a mysterious deep voice that contrasts oddly with his scrawny physique. Finally a guy dressed as a janitor does a freaky scat number which Simon evilly giggles “Its like having Paula back on the show”. Ha! Ryan’s dear little lumberjack shirt is sodden with tears after this sad little batch is despatched with vehement No’s.

Nicci Nix has flown in from Florence Italy via Frankfurt Germany to audition. How VERY cosmopolitan of her. Maybe she isn’t familiar with European Idol which is a pretty similar show, except she’d have to sing topless. Even in its own right this is quite an annoying sob story, yet even more so is her squeaky baby voice which sounds like she has inhaled the contents of two thousand helium balloons. Simon immediately wants Kara to ask if she has been “eating helium” which sounds like a rather dodgy euphemism and neither Kara nor Vicks will go there. Simon does ask eventually but our little world traveller has trouble deciphering Simon’s accent and looks blank. Its probably the best way. Anyway, Nicci is singing a Girls Aloud number which will be a good way of alienating the American public instantly. Simon proves his musical taste is as shit as we always suspected by singing along with the song “Something kinda Oooooh”. He does redeem himself a smidge by snarking its one of the most meaningful lyrics EVER written. Of course the huge shock factor with Nicci is her singing voice doesn’t sound like a billion mice in a cheese factory, but has a good poppy sound which is about 27 octaves deeper than her talking voice. The judges are always suckers for a “surprise” vocal and Nicci is easily through to Hollywood. And now the hard works starts for her. Planning a route even more convoluted than the one to Denver. I bet the Galapagos Islands and the South Pole will feature heavily in her itinerary.

The sun is setting on Denver which can only mean there is time for one more tragic tale of woe. Welcome Haeley Vaughn who has quite an arsenal of misery up her sleeve. She kicks off with the fact she was a tiny premature baby with all sorts of hideous complications. Fast forward 10 years and her dad shuffles off this mortal coil (it isn’t made clear whether his final words were “You must audition for American Idol” but they probably were), Then, worst of all, its revealed Haeley has a vile “Stage school Mom” who has proclaimed since FOREVER that her kid is gonna be on this show. Add into the mix that Haeley wants to be the first black country pop artist and I give you the most perfect auditionee this show has EVER seen.

Haeley sings a song I think I heard in Glee and the judges love it. Simon declares her a “cute little thing” like she is a puppy. Posh likes her dress. Natch. Kara thinks she should lower her register a little and Randy enthuses that he likes the fact she is aiming to be different. Haeley tells us her sister and Mom both fancy the pants off of Simon so are invited in to worship him for a little while. Naturally Haeley gets a massive collective Yes and interrupt Ryan who is either tweeting or surfing for porn backstage with their screams.

That’s almost it for Denver – 26 Golden tickets were given out which mean 21 people will be thoroughly pissed off their audition was never televised. If only that were the end but sadly no.

We are reminded of Bikini Girl from last year who made headlines by becoming one of the rare breed of ladies to be photographed kissing Ryan. She made Kara implode with rage until she exacted revenge on Finale night by looking hotter and singing better. Good news is the shameless tramp HASNT turned up in Denver for another go – bad news is, meet “Bikini Boy” instead. Kara and Simon can’t resist swearing loudly as Bikini Boy makes his entrance and offers up “Achy Breaky Heart”. Simon decides that now is a good time to head back to Los Angeles. Kara wisely tells Bikini Boy “Don’t move your hips like that honey” as he thrusts what looks like a suspiciously empty package at the judges. They leave the poor wee soul to stand alone on the audition mat, scratching his bum and looking confused. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your outlook) Bikini Boy makes no attempt to snog Ryan and that brings the Denver auditions to a close.

Tomorrow: The Best of Rest. Whatever that means. I’m ever hopeful it will include Ryan semi naked though.

Related posts:

1. Best Of The Rest Auditions
2. Phoenix and Kansas City American Idol Auditions
3. Dallas Auditions

Simon and Randy are en route in a limo (helicopters are SO LA) pondering who the guest judges might be. “Richard Simmonds?” pipes up Si – is he the weirdo fitness bloke with the dodgy perm and a penchant for infeasibly short shorts?? A moment whilst I Google please dear reader…shudder…yes that’s him. The Leo Sayer lookalike that leaps around with fat people whilst wearing unsuitable lycra vests. What fun if he were a judge! Randy thinks it might be Clint Eastwood which results in both Randy and Si doing Clint impressions (badly, but it’s cute). In reality though, they have done much better than either Rich or Clint, as today’s guest smasher of dreams is Neil Patrick Harris! Ooh, its Doogie Howser all growed up – fabulous! Neil thinks his day will be well spent if he can shatter the careers of a few people in the audition line. HA! Forget this “guest” judging lark, methinks Neil should be the one whose bottom should replace that of The Cowell’s in the main judgement chair next season. I will set up a face book group later.

We are reminded that the very first Idol, Kelly Clarkson hailed from Dallas back in the day where Ryan was allowed to have blonde frosty hair and super gay shirts. Also from those heady, turn of the century days, was Julie Kevelighan who shrieked her way through something dreadful back in season 1. Roll on 8 years and nothing much has changed with Julie – except she has discovered that Everything’s A Dollar sells make up and Target does a line of stretchy sequinned frocks for under $10. She brings a sign along that says “This Is My Year” but we all know Julie is only being rolled on to be mocked. Of course it won’t be her year in terms of reaching international musical stardom – although she might make You Tube if she is REALLY shit.

She wanders in the audition room clutching her sign, which immediately makes Simon’s eyes narrow in suspicion and cause him to munch down hard on his biro. NPH lets out a bemused “Sparkle..?” as if he can’t quite behold the sight before him. Oh Neil, if you think this one with her crap sign and cheap dress is deep down crazy, you are in for rude awakening as the day goes on love. You wait till they start to wheel out the sex pests. Simon enquires as to whether she made the sign herself (if X Factor USA bombs, then Craft Idol is obviously his fall back show). She did and is ready to launch herself into Black Velvet which is indeed the every kind of terrible we knew it would be.

Neil decides he is on safer ground doing a critique of Julie’s sign than her singing. Simon jumps aboard the same ship, telling her she missed out the word “not”. Rather than crumble in a heap of tears and leave forlornly with her ratty sign, Julie decides to sing another song. Simon tells her to bugger off. So she sings again. This time security escort her out – still singing and still flapping her signage. NPH observes she is “annoying” which the understatement of the millennia. Outside, she tries to talk Ryan into letting her back in for another go, blaming her breathing was letting her down. The only way it let her down was that it didn’t stop completely.

Back from the ads with Ryan telling us that Texas has delivered for the ladies and we see a tiny flurry of Golden Tickets flourished by some Dallas dollies.Tis the Rule of Idol that for every handful of mediocre girls, there must a be a counter balance of a boy with either a sob story of epic proportions or a boy that is mentally retarded and on a sex offenders register somewhere. So which one of these tidy little pigeon holes does Lloyd “Big Sexxxy” Thomas fit into then? Judging by the tie, which is done up in the style of Tucker Jenkins, the Grange Hill years and the jaunty cap we could be pushing the mentally retarded card with this one. No – but wait, Lloyd has a sob story card to play to – he has a MENIAL job! Oh my word, this will never do – this boy NEEDS the talons from the soaring eagle that is American Idol to pluck him from a never ending life of stacking boxes. Oh and add into the mix, a couple of cutie pie kids AND (yes, the trauma just never ends with this one!) he grew up “in the projects surrounded by drugs” – I’m guessing that’s the Dallas equivalent of Tower Hamlets. But with less congesting charging and more oil wells.

Anyway Lloyd sings Stevie Wonder’s “Overjoyed” and wins the judges over with his soulful vibe. Kara is going all dreamy and swaying along. Neil looks quite dumbstruck that he has been there 3 hours and finally they have found someone that can sing. Simon announces its his favourite audition of the day! Randy gives him one billion percent. Its four easy yeses and Lloyd leaves and tells us he can taste victory. And victory tastes like a Golden Ticket as Lloyd appears to have snacked on this en route from the audition room to the sound bite booth.

Time for a filler montage of some in fighting on the judging panel. NPH and Simon disagree on a few acts and throw each other squinty eyed stares of evil behind Kara’s back to the backing tune of A Fistful Of Dollars. This is all so LAME, for goodness sakes let’s do this thing properly – tops off boys and slug it out on the audition mat. Get Ryan to join in as well, throw in some oil (well its Dallas) and just film for an hour or ten. Hey presto – filler footage to last all season long.

Here is Kimberley Carver to see if she can unite the judgementation into harmony again. Despite having the audacity to sing an ORIGINAL and NOT Miley’s The Climb, therefore immediately alienating Simon, Kim appeals muchloads to the other judges. They fight her corner whilst Simon sulks she is a boring wench that would only appeal on Jazz TV. Poor Kimberley has played it all wrong with Simey. Not singing The Climb is Strike One. Not coming in a slutty outfit with her tits spilling out of a fragment of leather so he can pretend to fancy her like mad is Strike Two. And Strike Three is having no discernable sob story involving dead people or plague. The other judges refuse to be drawn into his one man campaign of loathing and Simon reckons there is a mutiny afoot. Its 3 big yeses and one sulky no – Kimberley is through to Hollywood!

The local news stations are pooping their pants that Idol is in town as the last exciting moment in Dallas history was when some President got offed on the freeway. There is copious amounts of footage of crowds, paying particular interest to the really ugly members of it. One of these souls plucked for 90 seconds of fame is Dexter Ward, a slightly manic gay boy, gently touched with the stick of crazy. He seems far more adept at winking than singing – the former of which he does about a gazillion times to the camera. Maybe it’s not a wink, but a nervous tic. Anyway, he can’t sing, the judges mock him for a few minutes as that is their forte. Simon inexplicably promises him his smile will take him far in life. Probably as a Rent Boy.

A segment of sobbing is followed by NPH and Ryan having a little chinwag backstage. Look at them together in their tiny cute clothes! Who cares what they are saying, let’s just marvel at this wondrous sight! Neil and Ryan, Ryan and Neil – Oh lord, they should be the next celebrity couple shouldn’t they? Forget sodding Brangelina and their dull United Colours of Benetton child collection – the world needs Nyan – their influence could encourage men folk nationwide into wearing better sweaters. I want to pinch their cheeks and go shopping for shoes with the pair of them. Oh I think they talked about singing and stuff – don’t quote me though, I was too caught up in this magical little scene to notice.

Pah, back to the pesky singing competition now. Here is Erica Rhodes who impresses Ryan with a set of fingerless gloves and the revelation that she used to be in Barney when she was a kid. Erica feels the need to step away from her dalliances with a large purple dinosaur, and to achieve this, dons a dominatrix outfit, complete with a whip. Randy and Kara make her sing some of the Barney tunes, and Simon appears delightfully confused by this whole American kids TV thing. I’m pretty sure he thinks they make 8 year olds dress like tarts and whip the crap out of men in dinosaur outfits. They may well do on the cable channels. Erica sings En Vogue’s “Free Your Mind” which does go some way to explain the outfit and she isn’t that bad. Added in her human interest story, slutty whoring gear that Simon can pretend to drool over and Bobs Your Hollywood Residin’ Uncle. 4 positive yeses and even Barney pops up on screen to tell us how much he loves her. Dirty, dirty old fossil that he is.

Time for our final auditionee of the day, and I’m detecting the overpowering stench of a sob story. Lets meet Dave Pittman of Arkansas who has Tourette’s Syndrome. Luckily for Dave, it isn’t the type of Tourettes that sees him spit forth a filthy stream of obscenities and reduce his entire audition to a flurry of beeps and carefully placed American Idol logos across his gob. No, Dave appears to have a Network Friendly form of Tourette’s, which just sees him twitch a bit and blink. In another stroke of luck, Dave is super cute AND his affliction doesn’t affect him AT ALL whilst he is singing! He offers up a Sam Cooke number which the judges adore. Kara has that swaying thing going on again. Simon checks him out with one of his lechy little looks that he saves for hot boys. NPH picks up on the Tourette’s (whether that’s from his show notes or some insightful observation of his twitchiness, I’m not sure). And that’s it pretty much signed sealed delivered then – a smattering of Sob Story, a big spoonful of overcoming the odds shit, a dollop of Country hotness and a voice that doesn’t sound like nails down a blackboard. Welcome to Hollywood baby!

So that’s it for the first day in Dallas. Some 15 Golden Tickets were given out and we briefly glimpse the 12 that were not deemed interesting enough to show as they emerge from the audition room like projectile vomit onto Ryan.

We have to say a sad goodbye to Neil Patrick Harris (nooo – don’t go Neil, stay! Stay FOREVER and become Mrs Seacrest and both wear fabulous elvin sized clothes and do cute things and, and…oh just DONT GO). Instead we have to welcome some insipid, spotty teen that is the third part of some hideous Disney manufactured Boy Band. Joe Jonas, is, according to my research, the “better looking one” from this band of brothers. Ye Gods, the other two must be ugly fuckers then. As anyone over 12 will have no clue who this motley collection of dark haired trolls are, we have a quick recap on the Jonas Bros, and some pointless mock up of Randy joining as the 4th brother. Randy’s entire usage this season appears to flit from chaperoning Simon and Ryan on their jolly boys outings and being made fun of in the intro sequences. It might be time for Randy to develop a bit of a sob story on his own, or he could find himself replaced with Oprah.

First up is Todrick Hall, whose claim to fame is appearing in something with Fantasia. I guess that’s good if it’s a play or something, not so good if it was rehab. Todrick sings his own composition which is actually a totally awesome little rhyming ditty about how much he wants to get to Hollywood. Simon wants SO MUCH to hate it, but has to relent and clap a teeny tiny bit at the end. Todrick has the sort of voice that always goes down well on Idol until about week 3 of the lives when he’ll probably be chucked out on Country Week. Anyway, despite some reservations from Simon, its four yeses and Todrick back flips out into the Texan sun.

A short medley of yeses follow but the next Contestant of Interest, is 20 year old Maegan Wright whose parents divorced, remarried then left their two kids to fend for themselves in the cruel world. Bastards. Maegan has had to look after her younger brother, Dawson now and it’s a credit to her she isn’t a vodka swilling wreck who lives in a grotty trailer because of this. Instead she is a bright cheery thing and the kid Dawson is thirty kinds of cute. The only big no-no with Maegan is her ill advised outfit, comprising of a bright blue T shirt with “Break The Rules” daubed across it and very very small Daisy Duke-esque shorts. Still, she can sing surprisingly well so we shouldn’t really be dwelling on the fashion should we? Oh, yes we should. Here is Kara to tell us she thought she was a joke in her red neck attire. Simon disagrees and thought coming in dressed as cheap hussy was a master stroke, because he likes the “surprise element” (especially since one unibrowed, frumpy Scottish Surprise Element has made him several million quid). So its universal yeses and Maegan’s entire family bundle Ryan and crush him into the curtains.

We are back from the break with a montage of Ryan! I live for moments like this on Idol. We see Ryan abandoned on tall buildings, being leap frogged, pretending to fancy cheer leaders and even finding a new job, wheeling round a trolley with food (which is probably a shed load more fulfilling than presenting an episode of E! News). All this whilst clad in his tight little red polo shirt! Can my day get ANY better?

I think it’s about to get worse, as we have to say goodbye to all that Ryany goodness and go back to another hideous contestant. This time its Vanessa, who leaps about in shocking pink and has the sort of annoying demeanour that makes those kids in High Schools march in one day with Uzi’s. Vanessa screeches out an Etta James song and Simon tells her his worst nightmare EVER is a girl in pink singing “At Last” to him. No big surprises there then. It’s a collective No from the judgement. Outside, two of Vanessa’s girlfriends pick up Ryan and carry him off. I think Ry Ry might have just discovered his worst nightmare too.

More filler footage is required to pad out the final few minutes of the show, and as we are all bored to death of these tiresome singers, let’s have a Simon montage instead. I can live with that. We are treated to 8 years worth of Simon being mean to people. However, Ryan, as his “much younger friend” (and poster boy according to the footage) explains what a hideously difficult job it is to sit through so much shit for months on end. “Its hard being Simon Cowell” sighs Ryan wistfully as they slam down pictures of the poor soul languishing on private jets, beside huge swimming pools and in lavish mansions. Still he does it all for us, so that’s all right then. And it’s SO worth the hardship because every now and then he’ll find Someone Special. Like Ryan.

They have saved the bestest sob story till last today. Meet Christian Spear who is a leukaemia survivor and there is plenty of archive footage of her past sufferings (NOTE to potential Idol contestants of the future – make sure you blog every single second of your current tribulations because this could be your ticket to a juicy harrowing segment). Christian is actually a pretty nice kid – she sings an Etta James song sweetly, in complete contrast to the pink Etta James car crash we witnessed earlier. The judges love her and she goes through with a “billion percent” and a nice little wink from Si.

And that’s it from Dallas! A total of 31 people made to Hollywood – next week we ditch the Ewing’s for the Carrington’s as we head to Denver!

Related posts:

1. Los Angeles Auditions
2. Chicago Auditions Review
3. Denver Auditions

11,000 of LA’s finest delusional residents have shown up at the Rose Bowl ready for their shot at fame. Being LA though, there is more chance of just achieving the “shot” bit.

Ryan tells us Simon’s in early, tinkering with his teleprompter and adding in some lines for Ryan to say: “Simon is extraordinarily good looking in real life. He lights up the audition room and I think I’m falling in love with him.” I think we established all that in Season 1, so let’s move on.

Today’s Guest Judge is Avril Lavigne who was once Complicated and had a thing for Sk8er Boi’s but now seems a bit old to be wearing a hoody with devils horns. Or maybe she was just REALLY young when she did those songs? I get bogged down with the amount of “teen sensations” America churns out at an alarming rate – there must be a factory somewhere that spits out a Britney a Miley or a Taylor every couple of months. Still, it’s fun to watch them destroy themselves with drink, drugs and inappropriate boyfriends all before they are 25. To be fair on Avril, she still seems fairly untouched by illegal substances thus far, and empathises with the contestants about how intimidating it must be to audition. I hope that doesn’t mean she is going to be Too Nice. Its hateful when that happens.

Lets meet our first contestant, Neil Goldstein. Neil reckons with an IQ of 168 he is a “pretty smart guy”. Not smart enough to visit a decent barber or have the intelligence NOT to wear an embroidered purple waistcoat that obviously came from QVC’s “shit of the day” range. Neil faffs about trying to be likeable and scores an F. Even the perpetually affable Mr Seacrest looks like he has touched a sex pest after he gives him a peppy little good luck handshake.

Neil offers up Meatloaf’s Rock n Roll Dreams Come True (Spoiler: They Don’t). He sings the first line which is “remember everything that I told you” then forgets the rest, much to Simon’s gleeful delight. The few lines he does spew out are as hideous as you would expect and the judges giggle and splutter in disbelief. Simon enlightens him to the news he is a passenger on the bus to fantasyville which results in an ever sweatier Neil becoming increasingly more deranged as each second ticks by. Neil stabs the air and proclaims he isn’t going ANYWHERE without his Golden Ticket. Outside, Ryan questions Neil’s parents about how well he copes under pressure. Naturally, just after they answer “pretty good”, we are cut back to the audition room where, covered in an oil spill of sweat, Neil is just about to garrotte Simon with a noose fashioned from his embroidered waistcoat. Simon gives him the option of walking out on his own or arm locked and handcuffed with several members of the LA SWAT team. Neil gives it up at last, walks off the wrong way and Simon thanks him for being such great telly.

Next up is Jim Ranger who is a “worship pastor” with heaps of “awesome” kids. Oooh, Churchy and Parental that’s a good start – now, do I see a dead relative or some terminal illness in the vicinity? It appears not – Oh Jim, you are going to have to up your game brother. Jim offers up an ORGINAL song, which is usually either the kiss of death or the start of a YouTube sensation (Pants on the Ground anyone?). Ryan warns us it’s hard to impress the judges with anything original which really sums up what a crock this show is when your chances are heavily diminished if you don’t go in with either a Miley Cyrus or Jennifer Hudson number. Still, even though Jim’s little ditty borders on being a bit of a God Botherer epic, the judges are impressed with his voice. Simon reckons he is “authentic” (as opposed to what? A knock off singer from China?). Avril isn’t sure he can juggle God, kids and a singing career and says No. Cut to Ryan backstage with Jim’s menagerie of “awesome kids” who he says are so quiet they aren’t even BREATHING (which could be helpful if Jim gets through to Hollywood). Anyway, Jim is THROUGH and goes away to pray for some tragedy to befall him before Hollywood week so he can hold his own with a decent sob story.

Back in with the judgementation, Simon is being playful with Avril, telling her how he loves the fact they officially have a devil on the show. I think he offered her a hundred bucks for that cool hoodie with the horns and made Ryan wear it later.

Talking of the ickle one, he is here to tell us that Avril’s devil theme has jinxed the auditions, as the next hour’s worth of dead beats “went straight to you know where”. I take it he meant hell and not his dressing room. Oh yeah, having seen them, he definitely meant hell. Jayson, Jesse and Martin are NOT the type he would want lurking amongst his hair products.

Here is sandwich maker Damien (goodness we ARE going all out with the devil imagery this week aren’t we?) to try and turn this things around. This Damien does not appear to be Satan reborn (I suppose it’s unlikely the dark lord would come back as a sandwich maker, but in LA anything’s possible?), but that’s where the good news ends. This Damien thinks he is some kind of Martial Arts expert, when it appears all he can do is cock a leg slightly and go “shhooop” whilst chopping his arms in the style of someone having an epileptic episode. Oh, and This Damien is also a pacifist, so worry not muggers of LA – you will not experience the full force of Damien’s Ninja attack moves which must be such a relief. Simon wants to know what sandwiches are popular at the moment. Its pepperoni. This show is better than Wikipedia sometimes isn’t it? Anyway, Damien has forgotten the name of the Righteous Brothers song he is singing and it all goes downhill from there. Simon advises him to “just go”. Which he does, albeit out of the wrong door.

Ryan is being cute with children which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Even when one swears , one wails and one vomits. OK so the kids aren’t cute AT ALL, but Ryan IS, especially when he tells one of the mini terrorists who wants to be on Idol when she grows up that he will be “REALLY old” by then. Old but still bitchin hot I bet. Our next lamb to the slaughter, Mary Powers has one of these obnoxious little creatures of her own. Her 8 year old offspring loves Simon because he is the only “negativity one” which tickles Ryan a whole lot.

In the audition room, Mary sings Pat Benatar’s Love is a Battlefield which is surprisingly good. Not much stage presence, but a nice tone to her voice at least. Simon is apathetic though – he liked her voice but found her ghastly “rock star” outfit clichéd and nasty. As Avril was fingering her devils horns with a big smile on her face during the performance, it’s no surprise she liked her character and “raspy” tone. Mary gets four yeses and is through to Hollywood (which is never QUITE so exciting when you audition in LA and can see the Hollywood sign out of the window).

Ryan brings in the little girl with the big Simon crush to meet him and naturally, Simon is adorable to her. “She likes you because you are mean” Ryan tells him then does a sterling job of not rolling on the floor in a fit of giggles when Simon enquires if she might be his daughter. I’m pretty certain we won’t need Jeremy Kyle and his little envelope of DNA results this time round.

We are reminded that this year will be a huge disappointment because there will never be contestant as good as Adam Lambert was, reinforced with a brief montage of how good Adam Lambert was. Eager to cash in on Adam’s unique appeal, it appears that a high proportion of auditionees this year have come clad in tight leather pants, thickly applied guy liner and a black choppy hairstyle. One bloke enthuses he could be the love child of Susan Boyle and Adam Lambert which is only slightly less believable than Simon Cowell having a kid. We are treated to a morphed picture of Subo and The Glambert which is completely unessacary and will give me nightmares for weeks.

AJ Mendoza appears to be the love child of Adam and a chipmunk. Albeit a chipmunk with a stash of makeup , hairspray and a fantastic line of belt buckles. He tells us that Adam himself endorses his singing after he sent in a demo tape. “He had nothing but fantastic things to say about my voice” enthuses AJ. On the day Adam heard the tape, one assumes he was dabbling in substances that dull the senses and cause acute hearing loss because AJ “sings” Living Colour’s Cult of Personality in a style that can only be described as complete arsebiscuits. His mouth doesn’t actually appear to move although strange sounds are emitted. AJ really should have bought on a Glambert puppet and auditioned as a ventriloquist act. The judges are stunned by the level of utter gratuitous crap on offer here. Simon wonders if he had recent dental work and the anaesthetic had yet to wear off. “Is it a visual thing or a sound thing?” enquires AJ innocently. “Its a Both” replies Simon and dismisses him with a twirly flourish of his biro.

Its now Day 2 in LA and Avril has gone back to sk8ing round shopping malls and being awfully Complicated. In her place we have Katy Perry, who, rather ironically is now more famous for taming serial shagger Russell Brand than anything of musical note. I only know that she once kissed a girl and quite liked the taste of her cherry chopsticks. Or something like that. Katy warns us she is going to be mean and nasty as a judge. Maybe she can swap roles with Simon for the day. He can bugger off and sing songs about kissing girls and quite liking it. On second thoughts, maybe not.

Katy is already steaming mad that the rest of the judgement are arriving by helicopter and they only saw fit to shove her in the back of a stinky taxi. The judge laden helicopter lands to the theme tune of the “A Team”. I live in eternal hope that before this LA episode is out, Ryan will arrive on a motorcycle dressed as California Highway Patrol to the CHiPs theme tune.

Water treatment worker, Austin Fullmer rolls up in a stripey top made of PVC, VERY shiny trousers and announces that American Idol has never had anyone, sexually, like him. Lord knows what depths of depravity Austin sinks to, but it might involve farmyard creatures and gate posts. He offers up a Cheap Trick song, sung in a very odd British accent. To make up for the complete lack of any musical ability, Austin thrusts, gyrates and does an assortment of sex faces instead. Katie visibly shudders. Simon advises him to go back to doing things with water or whatever the shit it is he does instead of creeping him out with his sex faces. Austin pleads for another go but the panel are having none of it. Even Randy turns down the offer of an ELO tune, so we know Austin has hit a raw nerve. Simon warns he is beginning to get freaked out and demands an immediate vote. Obviously its 4 No’s so Austin is despatched to weep outside at the injustice of it all. He explains to the waiting camera that Simon couldn’t handle a real man. Haw. Katie wisely enquires to whether the contestants are frisked before they audition. Oh Katy, that tarty dress that shows 98% of your tits seemed such a great idea in the safety of your bedroom didn’t it? Not SUCH a good plan when faced with assorted sexual deviants though eh? The judges unanimously diagnose Austin as stir fecking crazy.

A small montage of crying souls – fat ones, thin ones, fugly ones -they all have tears worth showing us. Some of the savvier ones clutch Ryan and sob in his arms. The less clued up ones run wailing into the California sun pushing the cameras out of their faces. One girl wails its worse than being dumped by a boy. Ryan nods sagely off camera.

We are back with Andrew Garcia and his neck tattoo and badly advised beret cap. We are shovelled a whole shitload of sob story that involve gangs, bad parenting and drugs sprinkled in with an adorable child and vows to be better than all that. Things are obviously improving at Casa Garcia, as the dinner table seems to hold a bowl of Cheetos and not a bowl of syringes. This is all a bit sob story 101 – he sings, he is good, he will overcome the bad stuff. Snooooze. Welcome to Hollywood Andrew.

Tasha Layton is a PA by day and a pastor by night. There you go Ryan, you were looking for a little night job to fill in the 3 spare hours between E! News and your radio show. I’m sure God could put you to good use with a little bit of sermonising in the wee hours. Knowing you my tiny little media mogul, you will have God lined up for a True Hollywood Story on E! before the month was out. And signed Jesus to guest spot on the Kardashians. However, I digress…Tasha sings Joss Stone’s Baby Baby Baby and for the first time today, we find a girl that can actually sing! They seem harder to find than a girl who hasn’t slept with Tiger Woods. Simon thinks people will like her but gloomily predicts she’ll be given some dreadful religious medley if she makes the Top 12. Its a full complement of yeses, and I warm to Tasha as she grabs Ryan outside for a proper snuggly hug.

Ryan tells us Tasha is going to make Hollywood week a bit more pure and wholesome and to counter this out, we need yet another resident plucked from the Los Angeles sex offenders institute…hellooo Jason Green. Jason is like every photo fit of every sex pest ever pinned to lampposts around the nation. He eye fucks the camera, runs his creepy long fingers through his creepy long hair and tell us he is going to win a Golden Ticket because he is Magical. That’s magical in the same way Charles Manson or Ted Bundy were. If you didn’t leave right then to jet wash yourself down with a catering size bottle of bleach, then you will have borne witness to Jason’s version of “I Touch Myself”. Simon says the thought of this lanky, leering homo singing a wank song is making him feel uncomfortable. Randy and Kara decide to shrug off their cloaks of revulsion and join in with the song. They are brave souls – any second Jason will probably take that as invite for a feisty threesome.

The song ends with Jason on his knees – Randy tells him to stay there and Simon notes he was sure that’s where he would end up eventually. Simon is officially, one billion percent awesome. Jason has an inkling that Si wasn’t a HUGE fan of his singing, so changes tack and offers him the chance of a shag on the audition mat. Simon declines and tells him he isn’t going to spend ANY time on this and to sod off. Jason likes his bitches hard to get and tries once again to entice a Yes from Simon by offering up a blow job. Randy sternly tells Jase to stop hitting on his friend. Good for Randy -all those Idol Boys trips to Miami have obviously paid off. He seems well versed in fending off boys for his friend. Katy tells him he made her feel dirty, which is usually kind of hard to do. Even Jason notes the irony as her knockers burst forth from the fragile confines of her dress. Finally, Jase is made to leave, and Simon helpfully tells him Ryan that is waiting for him outside. In a flurry of pirouettes, creepy hand slides over his body and eye flutters, Jason hands over his phone number to Ryan and tells him to call “Any time”. Ry tells him that “despite what you may have read” he isn’t into the sex pest slash campest serial killer in town type and hands the card to his 400 pound security guy who kind of is. I think this may well have been the best Idol audition EVER.

Because out of 11,000 contestants, so very few had any diseases worth sharing or close relatives that died in spectacular fashion (God this is LA, surely one of them was blown up by CTU or something?), they need to pad out the last few minutes, so here is a montage of Kara and Katy supposedly not getting on. If you were expecting clothes ripped off and the pair of them writhing in the frothy mess of spilled Coca Cola you will be disappointed. Its basically just them disagreeing on an assortment of humdrum acts. Simon looks as bored with the whole thing as we are. If they need to gratuitously pad out the show, then Ryan, topless will do surely?

Our last contestant of the day is Chris Golightly, who has been raised by 25 foster families. Yes! 25 – and not one could operate a pair of hair clippers, so the poor wee soul has an unfortunate blond spiral perm. Still, he is a sweet boy – the sob story isn’t milked so much that I loathe him with every fibre of my soul before he has even sung a note. He just seems like a genuinely nice kid. Fortunately, he has a lovely voice to match – singing Stand By Me with soul and depth that is a rarity in these auditions. Kara reckons he has such an amazing sob story he will go along away in this competition! Haha! Katy and Simon pretend to be horrified at such a thought and refuse to be swept away in the tidal wave of emotion that TWENTY FIVE foster homes is meant to evoke. More linguistic fisticuffs on the panel before Chris gets a small y from Si and Katy, a big Y from Kara and GIANT Y from Randy.

And that just about wraps up LA. We quickly whizz through the Golden Ticketers that weren’t entertaining enough to squander valuable Coke or Ford selling time on and tomorrow we have the delights of Dallas to look forward to! With the added bonus of Neil Patrick Harris (whoohoo) and Joe Jonas (barf).

Related posts:

1. Best Of The Rest Auditions
2. Phoenix and Kansas City American Idol Auditions
3. Dallas Auditions

Titles!

Ryan welcomes us back to “The Peach State” where zillions of people always turn up for Idol Auditions. I have a feeling not much else happens in Atlanta (apart from peach eating from the sounds of things) so, a bit like the Birmingham auditions back home, it’s a dead cert that every crazy in the state will have rolled up in their thousands.

Posh has gone back to her crypt and today we have “Empress Of Soul” Mary J Blige as a guest judge. Never a show to pass by a gimmick, today the judges are at the top of a very tall tower and the contestants have to gain access by elevator and rise to the 27th Floor. It’s all VERY 21st Century Rapunzel. Ryan warns it will be a very long ride down if they don’t get a Golden Ticket. Are failed auditionees going to be made to take the stairs instead? Or maybe to save electricity in these recession hit times, they will just lob them out of the window?

First of the day is Dewone Robinson who says he is a diamond in the rough and makes up his own songs. Ooh a kind of Atlanta Jay Z then? High hopes for Dewone! High hopes which are shattered within 0.5 seconds of him launching into his “own song”. Simon is instantly horrified and wants to know what kind of god awful shite this is? Randy explains it’s his “own song” so Dewone is allowed to continue for another 0.5 seconds before Simon’s back messing with him again wanting to know what the song is called. Dewone shoots him look that tells him he KNOWS he is being fucked with but says the song is called “Lady We’re Not Together Anymore” – which is like the theme tune to Simon’s LIFE and he is allowed to continue. It’s so bad that Mary J has collapsed into her Sponsored By Coke cup and Randy has laughed so hard, all the buttons on his shirt have popped off (he surely can’t have left them undone on PURPOSE?). Dewone blames Simon for putting him off his game so he is allowed to sing AGAIN and it all goes nowhere until Kara finally tells him to sod off. I’m definitely liking Kara more this year already.

Ryan embraces us back to the “ATL” and divulges that Atlanta is also known as “Hotlanta” where temperatures soar and people frolic in outdoor fountains. Unfortunately, we are not shown Ryan frolicking in a pair of Speedos in an outdoor fountain, but are tortured with a giant man with a very squeaky voice. The judges laugh and point as they are paid millions to do. Some Cheerleaders sing a song for no apparent reason – except maybe it’s the law that cheerleaders have to pop up somewhere on any given American TV show.

Keia Johnson is next and Ryan hopes her sweet smile can warm up the judging room. I wouldn’t be taking any bets on that. Simon compliments her hair but is incredulous that she won the “Miss Congeniality” award at some hideous pageant. He basically surmises that that is the award for ugly people and “Who wants that?” “I do” whimpers Keia – which makes all the other judges swoon with love and Simon rolls his eyes majestically. She asks if she should sing (always a good idea at a singing audition) and does a loud rendition of “My Heart Will Go On” which improves as it goes on. The judges are impressed – except for Simon who whinges that he can see her in Oklahoma. Mary J shuts him up nicely with a huge diatribe about technical musical ability which he cannot argue with, so resorts to being cute instead. Keia is cute back and its all nearly too much cute. Its four yeses and she leaps about in her neon yellow leggings which create major pixilation problems on my screen.

A trio of “good” girls are badly edited in a hot potch sequence. Miriam is singing The Climb, which we all now know is one of Simon’s favourtest songs EVER so she’s off to a cracking start. Simon watches with a goofy smile. Noel is unlikely pop star material with her braces and bad clothes, but we have all learnt from Seacrest’s kid pictures what can happen so don’t rule her out. She sings Whitney and the judges get her groove. Tisha is another who impresses the panel, with Randy and Mary J enthusing she is the best they have seen all day. All 3 are sent down in the Elevator of Dreams complete with Golden Tickets.

Jermaine Sellers is a Church Singer and Ryan is MOST impressed he gets paid to do this. You can tell he is thinking whether E! would take up an option on a reality show based around Church Singers. It would slot in nicely betwixt Keeping Up with the Kardashians and the Girls Of The Playboy Mansion don’t you think? Jermaine is covering ALL his Idol bases, as not only is he churchy, he has a bonus sick parent. Just hand him the Golden Ticket right now. Kara zooms right in on all this – “Caring for a sick mom AND singing in Church? Wow that’s really great” He is REALLY going to have to suck not to get through. This kind of religious despair landed several contestants in the top 12 last year. Simon has no reverence for the church or sick parents though and makes a spazzy noise when Jermaine says he is “here to sing”. Kara glares in rage. It’s awesome.

Jermaine is singing “One of Us” which is truly a great song, Kara’s practically orgasming already. And he does a superb job. In the words of Saint Louis Of Walsh – he really made the song his own. The judges hail him as the saviour of the universe. Or at least the Atlanta auditions. Jermaine sails through to Hollywood with ease. Lucky for Jermaine, sick mom is well enough to answer the phone and ring round the neighbourhood declaring her son’s new found fame.

Christy Marie Agronow has one of those faces you just want to punch even if you aren’t Chris Brown. Christy Marie is a TV Host and Producer in Atlanta and makes Ryan join in with some lame sliding hand movements she has made up for her show. I can think of a much better hand movement for it. Christy Marie is like a pastiche of all that is horrible about regional American television. The horrid squeaky voice, the sickly sweet simpering and the fake NICENESS makes me feel quite grateful for Kate Garroway and Penny Smith. You see JUST how bad this girl is? She plugs her show in front of the judges and Randy calls her “a walking commercial” . She offers to sing Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” but ends up simply shouting some words out that could be anything. Randy starts to crack up and Kara tries to restrain him. Mary J splutters in horror. When she finishes, Kara helpfully notes that love, is indeed a Battlefield. Christy simply cannot leave any metaphor unturned and pounces on the chance to say that THIS is her Battlefield and music is her PASSION. Kara wishes fervently she had kept her smart mouth shut. Simon tells her she is shit and to clear off. She still doesn’t stop smiling that deranged smile, even as she is despatched in the lift. On the ground floor, Ryan (who is dressed as the teeniest tiniest lumberjack in the whole wide world) waits with Christy Marie’s mom. By the time Christy reaches them, the cracks have opened and have split into a huge ravine of crazy. Her smile has now been replaced with uttering’s of discontent and she wanders out of the building plotting the downfall of Idol. Ha! As IF. The only way Idol will crumble is if Simon left….ohhhhhhh. Christy Marie – you BITCH.

A whole heap of rubbish people are dismissed in the elevator to the backing track “I’m Going Down” which is depressingly unoriginal. Van Halen’s Jump and a hearty shove off of the balcony would be tenfold more entertaining.

Vanessa Wolfe is no stranger to Jumping. Her vocation appears to be jumping off of bridges in bikinis “I like jumpin bridges – coz there aint much to do in Vonore, Tennessee”. Oh Holy fecking CRAP. To the strains of jolly banjos, we are introduced to Red Neck Central. Mom wears a shirt that says “Cow Tipping” which is obviously the only other form of entertainment in Tennessee. Vanessa lives in “probly the smallest town” and the Idol team have painted us the picture of complete and utter hell on earth. Well, if you aren’t familiar with Dagenham, anyway. Vanessa spends her days bridge jumping, cow tipping and walking the roads with a guitar. “I don’t have much” she drawls “cept this dress – it was $4.50 from Smyrna”. Smyrna must be the Tennessee equivalent of Dagenham market. She rocks with “momma” on a swing and they say they love each other. Then ‘Nessa tells us she is trapped in this godforsaken shit hole, and wants to dump momma, the bridges and the damn COWS and make something of herself. Naturally enough, College, a JOB or even spot of voluntary work is an alien concept to a reality show contestant and its only Idol that can rescue her from a life of continuous hell, singing country songs on a flaky porch. In Atlanta, she attaches her contestant number sticker with a gleam in her eye that says “Well even I don’t go through, I’ve got something else to wear”.

Vanessa is singing a song about Wagon Wheels, and I’m betting both myself and Simon are visualising tasty round chocolate biscuits all the way through her performance. It’s all very COUNTRY but since Carrie Underwood won, Simon isn’t quite so quick to dismiss a country hick with a camp flick of his biro and a nose wrinkle of contempt.

Ryan’s jiggling about downstairs with “momma” who hasn’t got butterflies, but “frogs” which tickles him no end. Back upstairs, the judgement are impressed with the ultra nervous Vanessa, and although Simon warns she needs some self belief he calls her sweet heart a lot to try and settle her nerves. Simon is used to dealing with slightly deranged singers these days – no sudden moves, no loud noises, and ideally, no Piers Morgan anywhere in the vicinity. Vanessa beams at his niceness and tells him “If I didn’t have a dress on, I’d throw you a back flip” . Simon looks completely terrified at what that might entail.

In the end its 4 Yeses and Simon warns Vanessa it’s all going to get completely insane in Hollywood but at this point she is screaming and shrieking and talking in that incomprehensible accent that it really doesn’t matter. He could have said they will be beating her with sharp sticks and she still would have imploded with glee. Downstairs, her excitement reaches new lofty peaks when it dawns on her she will be “ridin on an aero-plane”! Ryan beams at her joy and off she goes, running barefoot through the streets of Atlanta, shouting “I’m goin to Holleeeeeeewoooooood” . And that is the end of day 1 of the Atlanta auditions.

Day two dawns brightly. Simon’s in a chipper little mood this morning, bouncing onto the contestant area, pretending he is going to sing. Oooh someone got lucky last night. And here is Ryan, coincidentally, also quite chipper (just sayin) to introduce the next contestant, Jesse Hamilton.

Jesse seems only to have been bought on to take the complete piss out of, which makes for rather uncomfortable viewing. His “story” seems to be that he has nearly died 3 times in his 26 years (and is no doubt about to nearly die again in the audition room). There is a hideous “comedy” VT which makes fun of him nearly dying in his damn COT, with a lifeless baby doll added in for dramatic effect. This is seriously disturbing material – in all its glorious years of milking the teats of the sob story, X Factor has never ever decided to dramatise a dead brother ACTUALLY DYING or a reinact a scene of a house burning to the ground, complete with charred corpses strewn around for a little fucking interest. I’m beginning to realise why Simon has decided he has had enough of this show and all its ever increasing weirdness (* Now I’ve said that, I’ll probably be eating my words come August, when Simon employs the Chuckle Brothers to bring to life X Factor Sob Stories in their own unique style of pathos). In the audition, Jesse freezes and its all like “lets laugh at the retard” – I have to fast forward the whole damn segment because it’s just too horrible.

A short montage of crap, consisting mainly of girls weeping, but at least they don’t feel the need to add in a little sequence involving dead baby dolls, so things are improving slightly. Or so I thought. Instead, we have some bimbo who has come dressed as a guitar. Suddenly, comedic footage of misery doesn’t seem quite such a bad idea after all. Holly Arden calls herself “Guitar Girl” and has a horrible squeaky voice that’s almost as annoying as that hideous TV girl from yesterday. She wore the costume at Halloween, and everyone thought she was cute and wanted to strum her. Is that what they call it in Atlanta? Ryan doesn’t look like he wants to strum her at all, but seems keen on her guitar shaped glasses which he can’t resist trying on.

Simon groans with despair when Holly walks in, clad in her guitar outfit. And then groans a bit more when she announces her song choice is “You aint Woman Enough To Take My Man”. Come back X Factor and the 88th rendition of “And I’m Telling You” – all is forgiven. The surprise of the day though, that even looking like an reject from a Disney World parade and with a talking voice that could grate cheese, Holly has an almost perfect country singing voice. Simon has warmed up on her now and orders her to put the glasses back on then says she looks like an insect singing Country & Western. Holly replies she can always lose the guitar outfit which makes Si giggle a bit. Randy thinks she’s funny and Kara compliments her on being ballsy. Mary “just doesn’t get it”. Welcome to American Idol and all its Crazy Miss J Blige. Randy and Kara say yes, Mary says no. Holly crushes on Simon, hoping for a yes, telling him he is gorgeous. He asks if she honestly thinks he is the sort of person that would respond to that kind of flattery? Abso-fecking-lutely. Holly emerges from the elevator clutching her Golden Ticket and screaming loud enough to shatter glass.

Yet another medley of awfulness starts with Lathan who Simon decides is like a cat barking – it shouldn’t happen. Sweet but uber camp Blake turns up in a “Britney Spears Saved My Life” T shirt and then, without a tiny hint of irony, completely destroys “Oops I Did It Again”. “Oops is right” sighs Kara. Mallorie Haley is a cute little thing, with lots of hair wafting about and boobs unashamedly busting out of a tight fitting white dress. She sings “Piece of My Heart” with a country vibe which goes down well with the judges. Mary reckons she was “Dope” which I’m guessing is a compliment and not a request. Randy liked her “look” and Simon thought she was “fearless” (which is a comment that ALWAYS ticks me off – they are freaking SINGING, not mounting an armed assault on a tyrannical third world leader). Anyway, its four yeses and she is going to Hollywood.

Everyone is surprised how well it’s all going so we must be well overdue a car crash or two surely? Yes, of course we are – here is “Skii-Bo-Ski” (or Antonio if he isn’t auditioning for Idol) who rattles on for an eternity about god only knows what. He proudly shows off a homemade jacket with his stage name emblazoned down the side – a producer helpfully tells him its spelt wrong – which doesn’t deter him one iota, mores the pity. It’s a shame the numpty who embroidered the bloody jacket just didn’t write “Annoying Knob” instead. Simon frowns as hard as his Botox will allow when Antonio enters the bear pit. Randy and Kara toy with him a bit and you can feel Simon’s thoroughly pissed off vibe seeping down the table. But it’s another surprise – he is actually not half bad. Simon shudders a little to start with (not in a good way) but as he continues to sing “Heard it Through the Grapevine” he demonstrates a fair bit of range and control. Once he stops singing though, he goes back to being off the scales of annoying. Simon says he hates everything about him. Antonio flirts with Kara and Mary a little, which is uber creepy. Randy tells him he has a good voice but to lose all the other shittery. He gets through with his Golden Ticket and goes to annoy the entire holding area with his inane Skii Bo Ski screeching. I pity the poor sods that have to do a group audition with this one in Hollywood.

BFF’s Carmen and Lauren are made up like two creepy dollies that 4 year olds were let loose on with some brightly coloured crayons. Ryan enquires as to what will happen if one makes it and the other doesn’t (we so know how THIS is going to work out don’t we?). The foolish twosome simper that aint never gonna happen. Upstairs, they go from mildly irritating to inducing an overwhelming desire to slit wrists and bleed to death rather than listen to one more SECOND of their inane babbling. Simon tries to set them against each by asking who is the better singer – they insist they are THE SAME, which means one will be at least 87 miles worse than the other. Simon mutters under his breath about how horribly annoying the pair of them are. Lauren goes first and is the crap one with a quiet voice. Carmen outshines her completely as predicted and is the Law Of Idol. Simon has perked up a bit and wants them to make a group (oooh, recruiting for X Factor already, the naughty little scamp). Naturally enough, Carmen makes it and Lauren doesn’t, and there is lots of close up footage of Lauren’s outraged face trying to look pleased for her BFF. 10p says they haven’t ever spoken again since that day. Lauren will forever refer to Carmen as “that bitch who screwed me over”. Ah, the ups and downs of friendships eh?

Ryan introduces an assortment of Southern Belles whose common trait is delusion. The first is so bad, Mary J blurts out a horrified “Oh God” which, in the Deep South is equivalent to “you mother fucking son of a bitch” – I think. A manly looking girl whispers something unknown and a much prettier one stops abruptly because of the judges “facial expressions”. Maybe she doesn’t realise Simon always looks like that, it’s the injections you know.

Simon fakes a migraine and steps out. Come on dude, we all know you are going out for a fag. Now, where is Ryan? Nowhere to be found. Oh well, we are down a judge and host, but we’ll muster through somehow.

Welcome Brian Walker who is a Police Officer. I’m not sure what’s legal and what’s not in the State of Georgia, but Brian is probably well advised to stay away from the gents toilets for a little while at least. Good ole Boy Brian serves the community dealing with hard hitting stuff like seatbelts and traffic cones. It’s no wonder then, he wants to break free into the world of singing. He says he is going to sing “Superstar” in the style of Ruben Studdard and its a crying shame Simon isn’t there to take the piss out of that statement big time. Brian rocks it though – he is fantastic. The slightly depleted judgement rave and send him to Hollywood Baby!

Lamar Royal is dead excited to be meeting Mary J Blige who he describes as an Idol herself. He also squints scarily into the camera and says he respects the judges and is ready to accept criticism. Oh shit – the Law Of Idol suggests we are going to see a Krakatoan Eruption of crazy. He shouts “Kiss From A Rose” at them, whilst doing these odd twitching movements which imply his calming meds are wearing off. Randy describes him as torturous but tries to offer some advice. Kara cuts in with some bite sized chunks of calm but it’s no good. Lamar is slipping into derangement at an alarming rate. He tosses out a snatch of My Cherie Amour then cries a little. It all goes completely tits up and Lamar ends up being escorted out by security swearing profusely. I’m quite relieved my little Ryan has gone MIA and won’t be hurt by that big ole nasty man. Lamar suggests the judgement should have intimate relations with their mothers which is hilariously interspersed with him still singing snatches of My Cherie Amour. Some passing motorists give him a rousing burst of applause which seem to finally shut him up. Lamar’s parting shot amongst the profanity is to wish that Paula was here. Ha. She’d have a fair bit in common with this fruit loop wouldn’t she?

We are back for the last audition of the day. Simon and Ryan have turned up again from wherever it was they disappeared to and here is “General” Larry Platt who is 62 and just tiny bit over the 28 year old age limit for Idol. I smell a gimmick. Clues are Ryan has been allowed into the judging room to witness whatever carnage the producers know what’s coming and two, its nearly two shows in and we haven’t had a “YouTube internet sensation” yet.

So the “General” sings his own composition “Pants On The Ground” which is a deep insight into the teenage fashion traits of the 21st Century ergo the reason why the world is in such a god awful mess. Or it might be just a some old boy who thinks that boys with their trousers sloshing round their knees look absolutely fecking ridiculous. Who can tell? Idol is such a fusion of mixed messages it’s impossible to know what the notion is. Randy says the song makes him want to buy belts. Simon thinks the song could be a hit. They all play with Larry for a little while and things get cute again for the final time in Atlanta. Then it’s all over. Ryan assures us his pants are now pulled up and goes to sit in Randy’s chair whilst Randy gets down with the General for another rousing rendition of “Pants On The Ground” . For Atlanta’s final goodbye, the 25 lucky contestants that got Golden Tickets are given their first taste of fame, when they are made to sing Pants on the Ground. They need to make bloody sure this makes YouTube tomorrow.

Next week! Its Chicago with what looks like another shed load of crazy, with the added giggle factor of Randy in a two tone check shirt and Simon in a cardigan that C&A probably would have balked at selling because its was too hideous.

Related posts:

1. Chicago Auditions Review
2. Orlando Auditions Review
3. Phoenix and Kansas City American Idol Auditions

But fear not, as American Idol is back on our screens to catapult another nobody to stardom! It could be anyone – a waiter, a bartender, a police officer, a drug addled ex prossie -literally ANYONE can win this if they have the talent -unless they show any sign of being slightly homosexual of course, then no chance. You may as well pack up your too tight T shirts and guy liner and leave the line RIGHT NOW .

Last year! Little Ryan Seacrest tells us how exciting the final was! Adam, The “Glam Rocker” (read outrageous gay bloke that infuriated bible wielding grannies from Iowa to Arkansas) versus Kris “The Boy Next Door”(who made the same infuriated grannies want to knit jumpers and spoon feed him oatmeal). On the Fox Network, there was only one way this was going to ever go and Kris Allen became the 8th American Idol. Whilst Adam Lambert launched a raunchy debut album and simulated homoerotic blow jobs at the AMA’s, Kris ate oatmeal and wore jumpers (probably).

The drama didn’t end with the controversial finale though. The much loved judgette, Miss Paula Abdul became entangled in a war over cash and her agent, troop of puppies and stable of unicorns advised her to strop off in a huff.

Ryan asks who they could find to “hold their own” with Simon? Sadly there is no footage of him leaping up and down saying “ME!” . Instead a trail of “celebrity judges” with no albums on the horizon and a bleak summer of guest starring on The View (*like Loose Women but with more baking and less Jayne Macdonald)are recruited to the cause. Paula’s permanent slot on the panel goes to “Idol’s Biggest Fan” Ellen DeGeneres. It will make a refreshing change to have at least one member of the Idol family who is out of the damn closet instead of residing so far in the back they are intimate with Aslan and assorted fauns.

This little intro sequence was obviously filmed before Simon announced that this season will be his last. We know this because Ryan isn’t sobbing uncontrollably into a hankie. Instead he tells us that every season they come back bigger and better than EVER. Except next year when it will bomb like an Idol winner’s debut album of covers because Simon will have gone to X Factor shaped pastures new.

We have a brief montage of the sob stories to come. People with dead relatives, sick kids, hideous diseases and drug addictions have been plucked from the seething masses of auditionees so that their horrid little lives can be filmed for your viewing pleasure. Lots of deluded souls yell that they are the Next American Idol. Perched atop a roof somewhere in Boston, tiny Ryan forgets his lines and inexplicably doesn’t say THIS is American Idol. What the hell is going on? I can’t handle this much change in one season. He says something about the search starting here, which sounds suspiciously like something O’Leary spouted from a rainy plinth outside the O2 for X Factor. Everything is becoming a blur.

Boston has the grace to look as bloody awful and depressing as Birmingham as the rain hammers down and sodden auditionees are made to cheer. Ryan runs up and down a sports field trying to muster up some enthusiasm. Fortunately, the real judges don’t arrive till several months later, long after the 10,000 strong pile of trailer trash has been whittled down to 100 or so nutters along with the odd one who can carry a tune and whose teeth aren’t too bad for prime time telly. Suddenly its summer and the weather is all lovely so the judges can come out. Kara punches air, Randy says Yo, Simon wanders aimlessly around a building, possibly looking for Paula.

This week’s Guest Celebrity Judge is Victoria Beckham, who rolls up looking like an extra from Sinbad (you know, one of the fighting skeletons – except instead of a sword, she is wielding a Prada bag). Her bony frame is clad in a long red frock and she looks rather like a walking HB pencil. She has a pair of lacy panties tied in her hair. I guess they were too big for her skinny tush so she put them to use elsewhere. Her underwear probably come from the Barbie clothing line at Toys R Us. And even they have to be taken in by a seamstress at Chateaux Becks. Vicks reckons she will be a faberoony judge because she has been there singing her heart out before. Fortunately for us she gave all that up to become a full time bag of bones.

Why are we here again? Oh yes. People sing. That usually manages to spoil things. Just bring Ryan on in a thong, Id still watch for two hours. First up is Janet who spends her days playing the American Idol video game (who knew such a thing existed?) and cyber Simon (who they have managed to animate to look even gayer than the real thing) loves her. I have a Nostradamus like feeling that real life Simon will not be quite so enamoured with Janet and her ill fitting vest top. Ryan tries to keep a safe distance from Janet as she leaps around the waiting area. With every bounce, her top rides up another inch and her belly flops over the top of her jeans. Ryan hasn’t seen this much lady flesh since Liz Hurley turned up at the Oscars clad in only a safety pin and a hankie.

Janet bounds into the judges and tells them gleefully that she is awesome at the Idol video game. Simon tells her to “pretend she is on the game” with a wicked gleam, and it’s a crying shame none of the other judges picked up on that little cracker. *DONT GO SIMON* (

Now, if this were X Factor, the plinkety plonk of the Piano Chimes Of Doom would kick in now. On American Idol, they have Soft Guitar Notes of Despair. We meet 16 yr old Maddy who is child 9 of 12. In the UK, this would have legions of Daily Mail readers immediately huffing about the drain on the benefits system and would automatically assume a family of twelve lived on a squalid sink estate with a Sky Dish and a Pit Bull terrier. In fact, Maddy is part of a lovely family which include 4 brothers with Down’s Syndrome – 3 of which her parents adopted to keep the younger brother company. Maddy says the boys see the world in colours – and we should all try to do that. Oooh, it’s a Sponsored By Kleenex moment. Maddy is singing “Hallelujah” to which Simon asks if it’s the Leonard Cohen version? I wonder if he was expecting her to say “No, it’s the Alexandra Burke version” Heh heh. Luckily, the tentacles of the UK X Factor don’t seem to have made it as far as Boston. Maddy is pretty darn good with her version though and has that Kris Allen cuteness slash innocentness which no-one will ever dare underestimate again. The judges love her. Simon congratulates her for not being annoying and its 4 yeses – the first Welcome to Hollywood Baby of the series! Her family celebrate with balloons and a small brother tries to unzip Ryan’s jeans. It’s all good. Apart from when they cut back to the judges and Posh gives a freaky toothy smile which causes the one remaining layer of skin cells to stretch alarming and it’s like something out of a horror flick. Shudder.