The American Idol train pulls into Orlando today. Launching Space shuttles are used as a metaphoric tool to denote the dreams of thousands, itching to blast off into a spectacular career in the music biz. They neglect to add in footage of Challenger or Columbia blown into a trillion pieces which is a MUCH better metaphor for American Idol when you think about it.
Orlando is also home to Disney World – the place where dreams come true. That is if your dreams include paying ten bucks for a hot dog, standing in a 2 hour line for a 20 second ride or being accosted by people in giant furry costumes. Still, when Disney own the network, they aint gonna let the opportunity for a free ad pass them by, so there is some hefty shovelling of the dreams thing for several minutes.
So Orlando has everything – Space Shuttles, Disney World and Dreams. What it doesn’t have is any male judges or a host, as they are all in Miami living it large. They show a tiny snippet of topless men dancing in a Miami club so we can draw our own conclusions as to how that trip went down. Randy “Gooseberry” Jackson, Simon and Ryan roll onto a plane looking like they need a handful of aspirin and a lie down rather than an arduous session of finding the next musical sensation. Make up is going to have their work cut out this morning. And that’s just to remove the pixie dust from Seacrest’s hair.
Back in Orlando, the guest judge is Kristin Chenoweth. A Google search confirms exactly why I’ve never heard of her. She is small, blonde, squeaky and forms an instant bond with Kara. Outside, the boys have arrived back from Miami. Ryan’s looking fragile, with dark glasses and a cap pulled low. Simon on the other hand, looks like he has skipped out of the pages of Attitude Magazine in his aviator shades and gleaming white, nipple hugging, FAR too tight for a 50 yr old T Shirt. He gaily breezes in to tell the press he has absolutely no idea who this Kristin bird is either. Actually, when they do the little recap thingy, I do seem to remember her in Glee. Surely Simon must watch this show too?
Ryan is instantly drawn to Theo Glinton, who he possibly brought back as luggage from Miami. Theo is all flouncy scarves, glittery capes, feathers and sequins. It’s like gay, but turned up to maximum and double basted in a marinade of Liza Minnelli CDs and diamante. Simon toys with him for a little while about his “dreams” (which include hair salons as well as being the next Idol) before we have to suffer a dreadful version of “Heartbreaker”. Naturally, it’s horrible and the judges hate him. After delivering their crushing verdicts, Theo is invited to shake hands with the judges, who advise him to lose the costume – yeah, as if this will miraculously cast a magical spell on his vocal chords, transforming him from deadbeat screecher to soulful crooner. Theo wanders off in the wrong direction, which I feel is a common theme for this poor boy.
Outside, Ryan has his beady eye on Theo’s facial sequins and is proceeding to remove every single one, gently and carefully. Once done, Ryan chuckles that he is now covered in glitter and must go and wash it off. Oh Ryan, leave it on and sparkle, just like you did in Miami last night. Albeit you were probably in a pink vest then. And white jeans with studs too I expect.
A menagerie of Orlando’s worst – and when you are dealing with people who failed the audition to be a dancing broom at Disney World, you know the worst is going to be right down amongst the deepest depths of the barrel scrapings. Kara and Kristin (who sound like they should have a show on E! – probably somehow tied into the Playboy Mansion) bond with high fives and join in together in a united pact to piss off Simon at every available opportunity. Simon pretty much implodes with rage at having to deal with: A. Girls. B. Shit Contestants and C. A Raging Hangover. Where is Ryan and some glitter to cheer him up? Maybe later.
Ten minutes in so it must be time for a Sob Story. Here is Seth, who parades his Autistic child shamelessly to the Coldplay tune, Fix You. It’s all rather squirmy and uncomfortable – not because the kid is special needs – he is a cute kid with bags of adorability, but really, the ethics of using a disability to get air time is all pretty crappy. One wonders how many other auditionees were tossed out on the scrap heap because they DIDNT have a sick kid to pimp? I hate the use of sob stories on these damn shows. I’m not even cheered by the sight of Ryan trying desperately to slip into Dad Mode and comfort the sobbing child as his father slips into the audition room. You see how mad I am?
Anyway, Seth says FAMILY is the most important thing to him. Rubbish stuff like winning talent shows is mere folly. Simon chews on his biro thoughtfully at this. Seth is singing the Sinatra song “Someone To Watch Over Me” and he is REALLY good. So why did we need all the shit with his kid then? The judges love him. Kristin liked the fact he made an old song his own, Kara wants to keep hearing him and Simon is pleased he knows who he is. Both Randy and Simon tell him he needs to liven up a bit but he is still through. Seth goes running into the holding area, brandishing his child and golden ticket like a trophy. He might just as well worn a shirt that said – “Wanna Get thru to Hollywood – getcha yerself an autistic kid”. Bloody hateful show. And they are STILL playing “Fix You”. I feel the need to break things. Starting with Simon Fuller’s skull.
Back from the break with another shameless advert for Disney World. I’m quite surprised we aren’t shown shots of Autistic Kid on Splash Mountain. What a double whammy that would be eh, Idol producers? Tiny Ryan is out in the corridor with a guy 3 feet taller than him. He looks up at him in wonder and amazement like he is in a scene from Fairytale Idol. A mixed bag of the good, the bad and the downright certifiable are filtered through to a backing track of When You Wish Upon a Star. Simon ends the segment with some jolly jazz hands. Miami certainly did cheer him up didn’t it?
Jermaine Purifoy auditioned in Season 7 but by his own admission, was pretty crap. None of the judges even PRETEND to recognise him (although I’m sure Paula would have had a razor sharp recognition of him if she was on her blue pills – if it was the red ones, she wouldn’t remember him if he auditioned earlier that day). Jermaine sings “Smile” and the judges do – a lot. Kara thinks he is honest. Kristen thinks he is pure. Randy thinks it’s the best audition of the series so far. Simon thinks the “chicks” will like him. Oh I want to DIE when Simon says chicks. It should be bleeped out as if it was the most disgusting swear word ever uttered. Jermaine is given four solid yeses and is through to Hollywood.
Next up is Shelby Dressel who is 18 and has some crappy disease which causes one half of her face to droop a little. Despite this, Shelby is a cheerful little soul who doesn’t want to milk this to death. Ryan is super duper nice to her and she is really sweet back. I’m liking Shelby. She sings Norah Jones “Turn Me On” and I’m so happy that she is GOOD. Even better when she forgets the words towards the end and says a naughty word that needs a bleep and a large Idol logo to cover it up. Simon cracks up and says it was the best part of the audition. Next year I’m trying out with my Motown version of “Frigging In The Rigging”. Simon likes her but not her voice (unless its swearing, obviously) so gives a yes with a small y. Kara and Kristen think she has potential and put her through. Randy gives her a great big YES and Shelby is through!
19 folk are through on Day 1 of the Orlando auditions, which seems like a pretty high strike rate for a smaller city. Can we put this down to Disney Magic weaving its wondrous spell or the fact that Simon was in a particularly chipper mood after his boys own adventures in Miami?
Back for Day 2 and Kristin has had enough already, and has bailed back to New York. Kara is left to do a motivating speech to the auditionees who look on with glazed expressions which shriek “I wish it was Paula”. Paula wouldn’t be rattling on musical technique. There would be a show and tell with puppies.
Jay Stone is first of the day and does a “Beat Box” rendition of The Beatles “Come Together”. If you aren’t familiar with Beat boxing, let me explain. Basically it involves spitting like an angry camel and sprinkling in sounds which resemble a lawn mower running over a field carpeted in twigs. It’s all very annoying and unnessacary. I seem to remember an Idol contestant from many moons ago who dined out a long way on this. Simon looks like I feel. Completely pissed off. Kara and Randy seem to be enjoying it and think he is “hilarious”. Randy asks as an aside if he actually sings. Not that ever seems to be much of a contributory factor to a successful audition on this show. Bring out your sick kids, dying relatives and terrible diseases and you will begat a Ticket Of Gold and be lead forth into Hollywoodland. Jay throws out a bit of “Aint No Sunshine” and Simon helpfully adds in some beat boxing sounds of his own. Not to be outshone, Kara and Randy join in too. Awesome. Despite his brief moment of humour, Simon still hates him with every fibre of his soul and it’s a no. Kara counters with a yes. It’s another deciding vote for Randy. This will be strung out long enough to go and fix drinks and snacks. When I return, a joyous sight greets me as Jay gets his Golden Ticket and his friends pick up little tiny Ryan up and carry him around like a Cabbage Patch Kid. They were last seen heading to the Magic Kingdom to deposit Ryan onto “Its A Small World”.
A small selection of Orlando girls go through. None have anything going for them other than the fact they can sing (yawn) so not much time is wasted lingering here. Not when you have Cornelius waiting in the wings who learnt his dance moves from friends who were STRIPPERS. He sings Proud Mary (badly) but that matters not one jot, because he does an epic leap which culminates in the splits and in turn creates a massive rend in his trousers, exposing copious amounts of genitalia. Simon ‘s deeply impressed and reckons he HAS to say yes after that. Oh yes , way to go Simon – shit singer but he dangles his sodding willy at you and its a YES. An hysterical Kara agrees and its 3 yeses. Outside, Cornelius appears with a water bottle shoved into his splittage which makes Ry double take. In the ensuing celebrations of the Golden Ticket, Ryan lifts a small child aloft who shoots him a look like he has been touched by The Child Catcher. Ryan then shoos a producer away who asks for a close up of Cornelius’ split. “This is a family show” he clucks before leading us into a preview of the next segment of auditionees that include so much swearing the bleeping is like Morse code.
After the break we are back with the rare sight of Ryan sandwiched between two girls professing to be excited. The girls paw him for awhile (bitches) whilst we learn that this pair of old slappers are sisters from New Jersey. Honestly, I’ve never seen that much brightly covered stretchy lycra, dodgy hair extensions or fake tan that thick since the Wham farewell tour. Their VT is horribly annoying as are they. The audition itself goes pretty much as you would expect. Simon does that odd leery look that’s expected of him when scantily clad tarts are in the vicinity. The girls are both claim to have the same level of “talent” yet one is noticeably better than the other. I’m way to uninterested to remember either of their names, let alone which one was better than the other. There is some inane dumbfeckery with the judges which culminates in them both going through. You just KNOW in Hollywood week, this will be the pair that sneak out to get hammered rather than practise the group song, so at least we have that to look forward to.
Jarrod Norrell seems to have escaped from drug rehab a few weeks too early and slurs his way through a pre audition sequence with less sense than Paula at the height of her “troubles”. He offers up Amazing Grace which is neither amazing or graceful. Kara tells him exactly how far up the shitometer he is which goes down like the proverbial balloon made of lead. Jarrod slips from mildly eccentric nut job to derangement on the scale of the most ardent suicide bomber. Rather than explosive devices though, he continues only to cause destruction with his voice because he WONT SHUT UP. Finally, Randy calls for security and Jarrod is arm locked out of there by three hefty security guys. Once he is about 3 miles away, Simon brightly asks a slightly shell shocked panel “Yes or No?” Oh god -HOW can this show survive without him?
Matt Lawrence is on the road to redemption. When he was 15, he robbed a bank with a BB gun and was thrown in jail for 4 years. What a shame he didn’t give this a try in the UK where he would have got 12 hours community service and a finger waggled at him. He now needs to make up for this slight glitch by auditioning for Idol. As you would. On the plus side, he is cute in a giant kind of way (you could make about 7 Ryan Seacrests from his thigh) and seems harmless enough these days. Matt sings “Trouble” (methinks he was TOLD to sing that – nothing better than a song choice that ties in with your sob story eh?) and the judges are impressed. Simon thinks he could have written the song and finds him “authentic”. Kara reckoned he had control over his voice and Randy concurs saying one of the best of the day! Matt’s road to redemption is Hollywood bound baby!
And that’s it for Orlando! 31 contestants made their dreams come true (Ryan’s words not mine) and there is lots of hugging, Ryan squashing and pool jumping to celebrate. Next week we are in LA with Katy Perry and Avril Levigne.
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