Tonight we are in the City Of Angels on the hunt for the next Big Thing. In the meantime, the next Littlest Thing will have to do, in the shape of wee Ryan Seacrest, who is all dressed up to do his radio show. Only Ryan would do a crack of dawn breakfast show in a shirt and tie. I’d like to think he had PJ bottoms on though, at least. Shorty ones with hearts on. And bunny slippers.
11,000 of LA’s finest delusional residents have shown up at the Rose Bowl ready for their shot at fame. Being LA though, there is more chance of just achieving the “shot” bit.
Ryan tells us Simon’s in early, tinkering with his teleprompter and adding in some lines for Ryan to say: “Simon is extraordinarily good looking in real life. He lights up the audition room and I think I’m falling in love with him.” I think we established all that in Season 1, so let’s move on.
Today’s Guest Judge is Avril Lavigne who was once Complicated and had a thing for Sk8er Boi’s but now seems a bit old to be wearing a hoody with devils horns. Or maybe she was just REALLY young when she did those songs? I get bogged down with the amount of “teen sensations” America churns out at an alarming rate – there must be a factory somewhere that spits out a Britney a Miley or a Taylor every couple of months. Still, it’s fun to watch them destroy themselves with drink, drugs and inappropriate boyfriends all before they are 25. To be fair on Avril, she still seems fairly untouched by illegal substances thus far, and empathises with the contestants about how intimidating it must be to audition. I hope that doesn’t mean she is going to be Too Nice. Its hateful when that happens.
Lets meet our first contestant, Neil Goldstein. Neil reckons with an IQ of 168 he is a “pretty smart guy”. Not smart enough to visit a decent barber or have the intelligence NOT to wear an embroidered purple waistcoat that obviously came from QVC’s “shit of the day” range. Neil faffs about trying to be likeable and scores an F. Even the perpetually affable Mr Seacrest looks like he has touched a sex pest after he gives him a peppy little good luck handshake.
Neil offers up Meatloaf’s Rock n Roll Dreams Come True (Spoiler: They Don’t). He sings the first line which is “remember everything that I told you” then forgets the rest, much to Simon’s gleeful delight. The few lines he does spew out are as hideous as you would expect and the judges giggle and splutter in disbelief. Simon enlightens him to the news he is a passenger on the bus to fantasyville which results in an ever sweatier Neil becoming increasingly more deranged as each second ticks by. Neil stabs the air and proclaims he isn’t going ANYWHERE without his Golden Ticket. Outside, Ryan questions Neil’s parents about how well he copes under pressure. Naturally, just after they answer “pretty good”, we are cut back to the audition room where, covered in an oil spill of sweat, Neil is just about to garrotte Simon with a noose fashioned from his embroidered waistcoat. Simon gives him the option of walking out on his own or arm locked and handcuffed with several members of the LA SWAT team. Neil gives it up at last, walks off the wrong way and Simon thanks him for being such great telly.
Next up is Jim Ranger who is a “worship pastor” with heaps of “awesome” kids. Oooh, Churchy and Parental that’s a good start – now, do I see a dead relative or some terminal illness in the vicinity? It appears not – Oh Jim, you are going to have to up your game brother. Jim offers up an ORGINAL song, which is usually either the kiss of death or the start of a YouTube sensation (Pants on the Ground anyone?). Ryan warns us it’s hard to impress the judges with anything original which really sums up what a crock this show is when your chances are heavily diminished if you don’t go in with either a Miley Cyrus or Jennifer Hudson number. Still, even though Jim’s little ditty borders on being a bit of a God Botherer epic, the judges are impressed with his voice. Simon reckons he is “authentic” (as opposed to what? A knock off singer from China?). Avril isn’t sure he can juggle God, kids and a singing career and says No. Cut to Ryan backstage with Jim’s menagerie of “awesome kids” who he says are so quiet they aren’t even BREATHING (which could be helpful if Jim gets through to Hollywood). Anyway, Jim is THROUGH and goes away to pray for some tragedy to befall him before Hollywood week so he can hold his own with a decent sob story.
Back in with the judgementation, Simon is being playful with Avril, telling her how he loves the fact they officially have a devil on the show. I think he offered her a hundred bucks for that cool hoodie with the horns and made Ryan wear it later.
Talking of the ickle one, he is here to tell us that Avril’s devil theme has jinxed the auditions, as the next hour’s worth of dead beats “went straight to you know where”. I take it he meant hell and not his dressing room. Oh yeah, having seen them, he definitely meant hell. Jayson, Jesse and Martin are NOT the type he would want lurking amongst his hair products.
Here is sandwich maker Damien (goodness we ARE going all out with the devil imagery this week aren’t we?) to try and turn this things around. This Damien does not appear to be Satan reborn (I suppose it’s unlikely the dark lord would come back as a sandwich maker, but in LA anything’s possible?), but that’s where the good news ends. This Damien thinks he is some kind of Martial Arts expert, when it appears all he can do is cock a leg slightly and go “shhooop” whilst chopping his arms in the style of someone having an epileptic episode. Oh, and This Damien is also a pacifist, so worry not muggers of LA – you will not experience the full force of Damien’s Ninja attack moves which must be such a relief. Simon wants to know what sandwiches are popular at the moment. Its pepperoni. This show is better than Wikipedia sometimes isn’t it? Anyway, Damien has forgotten the name of the Righteous Brothers song he is singing and it all goes downhill from there. Simon advises him to “just go”. Which he does, albeit out of the wrong door.
Ryan is being cute with children which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Even when one swears , one wails and one vomits. OK so the kids aren’t cute AT ALL, but Ryan IS, especially when he tells one of the mini terrorists who wants to be on Idol when she grows up that he will be “REALLY old” by then. Old but still bitchin hot I bet. Our next lamb to the slaughter, Mary Powers has one of these obnoxious little creatures of her own. Her 8 year old offspring loves Simon because he is the only “negativity one” which tickles Ryan a whole lot.
In the audition room, Mary sings Pat Benatar’s Love is a Battlefield which is surprisingly good. Not much stage presence, but a nice tone to her voice at least. Simon is apathetic though – he liked her voice but found her ghastly “rock star” outfit clichéd and nasty. As Avril was fingering her devils horns with a big smile on her face during the performance, it’s no surprise she liked her character and “raspy” tone. Mary gets four yeses and is through to Hollywood (which is never QUITE so exciting when you audition in LA and can see the Hollywood sign out of the window).
Ryan brings in the little girl with the big Simon crush to meet him and naturally, Simon is adorable to her. “She likes you because you are mean” Ryan tells him then does a sterling job of not rolling on the floor in a fit of giggles when Simon enquires if she might be his daughter. I’m pretty certain we won’t need Jeremy Kyle and his little envelope of DNA results this time round.
We are reminded that this year will be a huge disappointment because there will never be contestant as good as Adam Lambert was, reinforced with a brief montage of how good Adam Lambert was. Eager to cash in on Adam’s unique appeal, it appears that a high proportion of auditionees this year have come clad in tight leather pants, thickly applied guy liner and a black choppy hairstyle. One bloke enthuses he could be the love child of Susan Boyle and Adam Lambert which is only slightly less believable than Simon Cowell having a kid. We are treated to a morphed picture of Subo and The Glambert which is completely unessacary and will give me nightmares for weeks.
AJ Mendoza appears to be the love child of Adam and a chipmunk. Albeit a chipmunk with a stash of makeup , hairspray and a fantastic line of belt buckles. He tells us that Adam himself endorses his singing after he sent in a demo tape. “He had nothing but fantastic things to say about my voice” enthuses AJ. On the day Adam heard the tape, one assumes he was dabbling in substances that dull the senses and cause acute hearing loss because AJ “sings” Living Colour’s Cult of Personality in a style that can only be described as complete arsebiscuits. His mouth doesn’t actually appear to move although strange sounds are emitted. AJ really should have bought on a Glambert puppet and auditioned as a ventriloquist act. The judges are stunned by the level of utter gratuitous crap on offer here. Simon wonders if he had recent dental work and the anaesthetic had yet to wear off. “Is it a visual thing or a sound thing?” enquires AJ innocently. “Its a Both” replies Simon and dismisses him with a twirly flourish of his biro.
Its now Day 2 in LA and Avril has gone back to sk8ing round shopping malls and being awfully Complicated. In her place we have Katy Perry, who, rather ironically is now more famous for taming serial shagger Russell Brand than anything of musical note. I only know that she once kissed a girl and quite liked the taste of her cherry chopsticks. Or something like that. Katy warns us she is going to be mean and nasty as a judge. Maybe she can swap roles with Simon for the day. He can bugger off and sing songs about kissing girls and quite liking it. On second thoughts, maybe not.
Katy is already steaming mad that the rest of the judgement are arriving by helicopter and they only saw fit to shove her in the back of a stinky taxi. The judge laden helicopter lands to the theme tune of the “A Team”. I live in eternal hope that before this LA episode is out, Ryan will arrive on a motorcycle dressed as California Highway Patrol to the CHiPs theme tune.
Water treatment worker, Austin Fullmer rolls up in a stripey top made of PVC, VERY shiny trousers and announces that American Idol has never had anyone, sexually, like him. Lord knows what depths of depravity Austin sinks to, but it might involve farmyard creatures and gate posts. He offers up a Cheap Trick song, sung in a very odd British accent. To make up for the complete lack of any musical ability, Austin thrusts, gyrates and does an assortment of sex faces instead. Katie visibly shudders. Simon advises him to go back to doing things with water or whatever the shit it is he does instead of creeping him out with his sex faces. Austin pleads for another go but the panel are having none of it. Even Randy turns down the offer of an ELO tune, so we know Austin has hit a raw nerve. Simon warns he is beginning to get freaked out and demands an immediate vote. Obviously its 4 No’s so Austin is despatched to weep outside at the injustice of it all. He explains to the waiting camera that Simon couldn’t handle a real man. Haw. Katie wisely enquires to whether the contestants are frisked before they audition. Oh Katy, that tarty dress that shows 98% of your tits seemed such a great idea in the safety of your bedroom didn’t it? Not SUCH a good plan when faced with assorted sexual deviants though eh? The judges unanimously diagnose Austin as stir fecking crazy.
A small montage of crying souls – fat ones, thin ones, fugly ones -they all have tears worth showing us. Some of the savvier ones clutch Ryan and sob in his arms. The less clued up ones run wailing into the California sun pushing the cameras out of their faces. One girl wails its worse than being dumped by a boy. Ryan nods sagely off camera.
We are back with Andrew Garcia and his neck tattoo and badly advised beret cap. We are shovelled a whole shitload of sob story that involve gangs, bad parenting and drugs sprinkled in with an adorable child and vows to be better than all that. Things are obviously improving at Casa Garcia, as the dinner table seems to hold a bowl of Cheetos and not a bowl of syringes. This is all a bit sob story 101 – he sings, he is good, he will overcome the bad stuff. Snooooze. Welcome to Hollywood Andrew.
Tasha Layton is a PA by day and a pastor by night. There you go Ryan, you were looking for a little night job to fill in the 3 spare hours between E! News and your radio show. I’m sure God could put you to good use with a little bit of sermonising in the wee hours. Knowing you my tiny little media mogul, you will have God lined up for a True Hollywood Story on E! before the month was out. And signed Jesus to guest spot on the Kardashians. However, I digress…Tasha sings Joss Stone’s Baby Baby Baby and for the first time today, we find a girl that can actually sing! They seem harder to find than a girl who hasn’t slept with Tiger Woods. Simon thinks people will like her but gloomily predicts she’ll be given some dreadful religious medley if she makes the Top 12. Its a full complement of yeses, and I warm to Tasha as she grabs Ryan outside for a proper snuggly hug.
Ryan tells us Tasha is going to make Hollywood week a bit more pure and wholesome and to counter this out, we need yet another resident plucked from the Los Angeles sex offenders institute…hellooo Jason Green. Jason is like every photo fit of every sex pest ever pinned to lampposts around the nation. He eye fucks the camera, runs his creepy long fingers through his creepy long hair and tell us he is going to win a Golden Ticket because he is Magical. That’s magical in the same way Charles Manson or Ted Bundy were. If you didn’t leave right then to jet wash yourself down with a catering size bottle of bleach, then you will have borne witness to Jason’s version of “I Touch Myself”. Simon says the thought of this lanky, leering homo singing a wank song is making him feel uncomfortable. Randy and Kara decide to shrug off their cloaks of revulsion and join in with the song. They are brave souls – any second Jason will probably take that as invite for a feisty threesome.
The song ends with Jason on his knees – Randy tells him to stay there and Simon notes he was sure that’s where he would end up eventually. Simon is officially, one billion percent awesome. Jason has an inkling that Si wasn’t a HUGE fan of his singing, so changes tack and offers him the chance of a shag on the audition mat. Simon declines and tells him he isn’t going to spend ANY time on this and to sod off. Jason likes his bitches hard to get and tries once again to entice a Yes from Simon by offering up a blow job. Randy sternly tells Jase to stop hitting on his friend. Good for Randy -all those Idol Boys trips to Miami have obviously paid off. He seems well versed in fending off boys for his friend. Katy tells him he made her feel dirty, which is usually kind of hard to do. Even Jason notes the irony as her knockers burst forth from the fragile confines of her dress. Finally, Jase is made to leave, and Simon helpfully tells him Ryan that is waiting for him outside. In a flurry of pirouettes, creepy hand slides over his body and eye flutters, Jason hands over his phone number to Ryan and tells him to call “Any time”. Ry tells him that “despite what you may have read” he isn’t into the sex pest slash campest serial killer in town type and hands the card to his 400 pound security guy who kind of is. I think this may well have been the best Idol audition EVER.
Because out of 11,000 contestants, so very few had any diseases worth sharing or close relatives that died in spectacular fashion (God this is LA, surely one of them was blown up by CTU or something?), they need to pad out the last few minutes, so here is a montage of Kara and Katy supposedly not getting on. If you were expecting clothes ripped off and the pair of them writhing in the frothy mess of spilled Coca Cola you will be disappointed. Its basically just them disagreeing on an assortment of humdrum acts. Simon looks as bored with the whole thing as we are. If they need to gratuitously pad out the show, then Ryan, topless will do surely?
Our last contestant of the day is Chris Golightly, who has been raised by 25 foster families. Yes! 25 – and not one could operate a pair of hair clippers, so the poor wee soul has an unfortunate blond spiral perm. Still, he is a sweet boy – the sob story isn’t milked so much that I loathe him with every fibre of my soul before he has even sung a note. He just seems like a genuinely nice kid. Fortunately, he has a lovely voice to match – singing Stand By Me with soul and depth that is a rarity in these auditions. Kara reckons he has such an amazing sob story he will go along away in this competition! Haha! Katy and Simon pretend to be horrified at such a thought and refuse to be swept away in the tidal wave of emotion that TWENTY FIVE foster homes is meant to evoke. More linguistic fisticuffs on the panel before Chris gets a small y from Si and Katy, a big Y from Kara and GIANT Y from Randy.
And that just about wraps up LA. We quickly whizz through the Golden Ticketers that weren’t entertaining enough to squander valuable Coke or Ford selling time on and tomorrow we have the delights of Dallas to look forward to! With the added bonus of Neil Patrick Harris (whoohoo) and Joe Jonas (barf).
Related posts:
- Best Of The Rest Auditions Just in case you are not yet bored of excruciating...
- Phoenix and Kansas City American Idol Auditions Kara DioGuardi will make her debut American-Idol appearance as a...
- Dallas Auditions Today the freak show hits Texas and we are reminded...
- Denver Auditions Ryan says we are about to join the Mile High...
- Orlando Auditions Review The American Idol train pulls into Orlando today. Launching Space...
Recent Comments