This week Ryan brightly introduces us to “The Jewel of the Midwest” which, disappointingly, isn’t the Emerald City filled with shiny men of tin, airy fairy lions, slightly pissed off witches and hardcore gay icons but the Windy City itself, Chicago. Despite the jolly pictures of beautiful architecture, dreamy lakes and bustling avenues, the place appears to be full of foul mouthed yobbos. They are emerging from the auditions filled with rage and screaming words that are so naughty, not only have they been bleeped, their mouths have been covered with a giant American Idol logo, lest the lip readers of the world get upset about being told to have intimate relations with a parent.
There is some random footage of Barack Obama doing a trademark inspiring speech, to which an American Idol logo has been added next to the graphic of his name as if he was the most successful Idol contestant EVER. I must have missed the episode where Randy told him he had pitch problems (dawg), where Paula commented on his “lovely tie” and Simon bitched about him not being relevant.
This week’s celebrity Paula Replacement is Shania Twain. The same petite good looks but rather less alcohol, unicorns and prescription drugs. I feel deep within my bones that there will be a segment of shite to the backing track “That Don’t Impress Me Much”. Kara swoons she is a massive Shania fan and skips off “to stalk her”. Simon rolls up in his George Michael shades which do nothing to quell the rumours and strops about it being too dark in the audition room. “Its like being in a bunker” he huffs and dramatically wrenches opens the curtains. Shania pretends to look suitably impressed with Simon’s Mariah Carey diva-esque impersonation.
First up is Katelyn. Katelyn has come with a huge splodge of giant hair and a big dollop of Sob Story. Dad has divorced Mom – and not-so-subtle editing implies that Dad is the villain of the piece. Mom tells us “She is doing this for me you know” although I’m not sure quite how auditioning for Idol will rebuild the smashed fragments of a ruined marriage and a broken heart. Or do hugs from Ryan Seacrest have magical healing powers? They probably do.
Simon wants to know all about Katelyn’s woes (probably on the off chance she might have a nervous breakdown right there on the audition mat and that would make bloody great telly). After Katelyn divulges how crap her life is, Simon congratulates himself on being caring, but I’m sure is inwardly seething that she didn’t roll into a ball and start rocking. Next time, he’ll need to be less Oprah and more Third Reich with his questioning style.
Anyways, Katelyn sings some song I’ve never heard of. It’s all quite nice and safe in a Kris Allen snoozy kind of way. The judges are fairly positive. Shania thinks she has a voice that could have a hit record, Randy and Kara note she has a nice tone. Simon thinks she is musically a bit dim and needs to open her curtains, which is a very odd metaphor coming from him. Its 4 yeses and the very first shiny gold ticket of the day.
Next we meet Amy who, on one of my hands, I have to kind of like because she loves Ryan Seacrest AND had a naughty dream about shagging him. She tells him this with considerable glee. In turn, this transforms him into squirmy, nervous wreck who tries to avoid being touched by Amy’s giant knockers in case she takes this as a proposal of marriage. On the OTHER hand though, she is an unbelievably annoying “Broadway Babe” who thinks screeching lines from musicals loudly makes her “fun and jolly”. The Seacrest dream aside, I think I hate her. Ryan mouths “Oh my God” at the camera as he despatches her into the judges, the thought of being some raunchy wet dream for big ole Amy is almost more than his tiny little soul can bear.
Simon pretends to be interested in her boobs, from which she has promised an interesting manoeuvre. I think I can hear Ryan running away in the distance. Amy starts her “performance” by collapsing in a heap on the floor. It’s not clear whether she has fainted, died from a massive coronary or is simply reaching new heights of incredibly annoying. Whatever it is, none of the judges decide to waste any of their precious phone credit and dial 911 or even bother to get up to check a pulse. I’m sure Simon employs someone to deal with untimely deaths on talent shows who will be along in minute. Oh, no…won’t be needed – Amy is now back on her feet screeching out Dr Feelgood. Fortunately, Simon doesn’t let it go on very long and its very obvious he loathes her, her boobs, her Ryan infatuation AND her singing. Kara encourages her to show us her Boob Moves which she then gleefully describes as “boob boxing”. Simon looks like he is going to puke as Amy thrusts her cleavage with gusto. He tells her sternly that they aren’t going to Hollywood. Probably not for the first time, he has made Ryan Seacrest a VERY happy man.
Charity’s rather lame back story is she works at a “salon” (I think that’s American for hairdressers) that her parents have in their house. If she gets through to Hollywood, she had better pray it burns down or is blown up in a gas explosion to add a bit of interest. Sweeping up locks of shorn hair simply aint gonna cut it when your rival has had a pesky bout of cancer or who is caring for a terminally ill relative who could die ANY SECOND. Charity sings Summertime with surprising aplomb for someone with such a shit awful sob story. The judges are unanimous in their love and Charity is through to Hollywood.
Back from the break with an assortment of lunatics – gay men in tight shorts, accordion players, brides, a girl brandishing pom poms, screamers, shouters, wailers and warblers. Something for everyone, truly. The judges can hold back their vomit no longer and scuttle off to the lavs, hoping to find more talent in there.
Contestants cry, swear and breakdown on Ryan’s shoulder as the never ending conveyor belt of mediocrity churns through Chicago. Simon gets intercepted on his way back from his fag break by a pissed off Mom, whose daughter he told was shit. Mom tries to get mad at him but fails because it’s impossible for elderly Moms NOT to fall in love with him instantly. There must be a pivotal age in a woman’s life where certain things like Michael Buble, Herbal Tea, a penchant for flowery frocks, Radio 2 and Simon Cowell become strangely irresistible.
Angela Martin is on her third Idol audition. The reasons behind this are enough to create a spin off show of Sob Stories on their own (no doubt made by Ryan Seacrest Productions) so epic are the tales of woe. WHAM! Disabled kid! BAM! Dead dad! Pow! Traffic Violation (granted not QUITE so epic, but still)! The judges have read their notes and really try to convince us they remember her. Yeah right. Angela sing Mary J Blige’s Just Fine. And it is. Just Fine I mean. Simon says its people like her that make him like doing the show. Kara likes she can take criticism and build on it. Angela cannot stop smiling -even when Simon gives a stern “No” then chortles brightly “not really”. Where other contestants may have smashed him in the gob, Angela beams brightly at his little joke. One wonders what portents of doom the fates have lined up to ruin her chances this year…hopefully they can come up with something better than a speeding ticket this time. I’m thinking plague, meteor strike or possibly a hefty anvil plummeting from the skies ready to crush her dreams once more. Ickle Ry cries backstage with joy as she celebrates her Golden Ticket with her family.
Eight assorted contestants with horrible scarves, country guitars, unfortunate cowboy boots and acres of denim make it through day one and onto Hollywood Baby.
12,000 fat people, ugly people, people with bad teeth as well as the clinically insane are all mocked in the queue as we rejoin for day two.
Curley Newbern trundles up dressed all in white and he aint small, so he is like an iceberg set adrift. He squeaks out a song which could be anything from Abba to ZZ Top and sets the judges off on a fit of giggles. Randy can’t watch and spins round to look out of the window, Kara falls to pieces and Simon nearly swallows his biro. Whilst the judges mock him mercilessly – Simon wants to know if small animals turn up on his doorstep..Curley dejectedly wanders off, not bothering to wait for the verdict. He knows the score.
Next up is Alannah who commits the cardinal sin of trying to sing I will Always Love You. Squeaky seems to be order of the day in Chicago. Still the judges manage to squeeze a bit of worthy telly time out of her by giving her an impromptu singing lesson. It all fails as badly as the judges fashion sense today (Simon in a vile granddad cardigan, Shania in a bedspread from a Quality Inn) and Alannah is swiftly despatched, her only prize is a wink from Simon and not a Golden Ticket.
Some crap speeded up footage of more unworthy contestants, made bearable only by Ryan dressed in his wee lumberjack outfit again. Then we meet Brian who is ex-Army (and its very troubling that Brian actually MADE it into the US Army at all – although it does clear up the mystery of why the Americans lose more of their troops to Friendly Fire than to Enemy Attack – no doubt they are all running away from Brian’s singing). Brian tells his old Sergeant to piss off because he is going to be the next American Idol. I hope Brian has a backup plan with Burger King or someone. Naturally enough, Brian is way beyond terrible. In fact Terrible has loitered into the realms of Deeply Disturbed with this one. The judges have picked up on the scent of madness in the air and hastily get rid of Brian before he can pull out a revolver he may have kept as a souvenir from his army days.
Outside, Ryan is getting tetchy because he has gone SO LONG without a congratulatory bear hug or had any tears of joy being soaked into his dear little shirt and wants more Golden Tickets. Can Harold Davies be the next “contender”?? Short answer? No. He is mediocre, which on this show is the ultimate kiss of death. They only want the Pinnacle of Crazy along with the Potentially World Class. The judges succeed in making Harold cry, which I’m sure will please Ryan who is probably already poised with a hanky.
Oh HARK! Do I hear the background chimes of “That Don’t Impress Me Much”??? I think I do! Cue a section of shit then. This show is SO predictable.
Right, onwards and we meet John Park who is our first Cute Boy Edition contestant so far. Even better, John isn’t only cute but he can sing! It’s a jackpot! Ryan is going to be THRILLED. Shania goes all swoony and compliments him on his “bottom end” and nice lips, whilst playing seductively with a tassel on her flowery duvet cover dress. If Simon’s cardigan had a tassel, I’m sure he would have been playing with his one as well. Its four Yeses from the judges and a very happy John bursts backstage where Ryan is hanging out with John’s equally hot friends. “What are we going to do to celebrate?” he enquires hopefully. John his posse of hot boys run out into the Chicago sunshine roaring with victory, leaving poor Ryan behind with only Twitter for company.
We are down to the last few contestants of the day. Ryan enquires as to whether any of them can be the next American Idol? Well depends solely on how good their tales of misery are doesn’t it?
First up is Paige who can offer us asthma. Meh. She NEARLY DIED, which isn’t QUITE as good as having a close relative who ACTUALLY DIED, but it’s a good start. Just to make sure we don’t forget her brush against the fibres of Death’s dark cloak, she auditions clutching her asthma inhaler. I am going to try this when I next go for a job interview. Paige sings Summertime which Simon finds “indulgent”. I think he is pissed off about her blatant and pathetic use of an asthma inhaler as vote swinging leverage rather than her singing though. It’s a no from Si. Kara and Shania aren’t convinced but put her through anyway. This means Randy has the deciding vote so we could be here all night. After being fondled by the girls for an inappropriate amount of time, it’s an eventual and unsurprising Yes. The whole yawn some sequence is only saved by Simon being cute on the end pretending to be in suspense.
The last three acts are all boys – Justin, Keith and Marcus. They don’t have a sob story worth a dime so have to be judged solely on singing. Keith does Bryan Adam’s Heaven and scrapes through despite a no from Simon. Marcus scores gold, getting 4 yeses and a Simon wink. Justin has to overcome not only the hurdle of no sob story, but is also a bit porky and touched gently with the ugly stick, so its testament to how good his voice was that he got a Golden Ticket! Whoohoo!
In the end Thirteen lucky contestants from Chicago will be headed to Hollywood! Ryan does some adorable dancing with a lucky ticket holder. How long before he is guest starring on Glee? Now THAT would just about make my YEAR.
Tomorrow! We are in Orlando looking for some magic.
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