In the 4 weeks since X Factor finished, I’m sure most of us had trouble filling the empty void of our humdrum lives. Unless that is, you were a David Tennant fan, because he seemed to pop up on everything from The One Show to Ex Dr Who Actors Do The Funniest Things via every single sodding chat show and dire Christmas special the networks shovelled at us. Rumour has it that Jordan’s tits were sorely miffed that they had less exposure than Tennant during December.
But fear not, as American Idol is back on our screens to catapult another nobody to stardom! It could be anyone – a waiter, a bartender, a police officer, a drug addled ex prossie -literally ANYONE can win this if they have the talent -unless they show any sign of being slightly homosexual of course, then no chance. You may as well pack up your too tight T shirts and guy liner and leave the line RIGHT NOW .
Last year! Little Ryan Seacrest tells us how exciting the final was! Adam, The “Glam Rocker” (read outrageous gay bloke that infuriated bible wielding grannies from Iowa to Arkansas) versus Kris “The Boy Next Door”(who made the same infuriated grannies want to knit jumpers and spoon feed him oatmeal). On the Fox Network, there was only one way this was going to ever go and Kris Allen became the 8th American Idol. Whilst Adam Lambert launched a raunchy debut album and simulated homoerotic blow jobs at the AMA’s, Kris ate oatmeal and wore jumpers (probably).
The drama didn’t end with the controversial finale though. The much loved judgette, Miss Paula Abdul became entangled in a war over cash and her agent, troop of puppies and stable of unicorns advised her to strop off in a huff.
Ryan asks who they could find to “hold their own” with Simon? Sadly there is no footage of him leaping up and down saying “ME!” . Instead a trail of “celebrity judges” with no albums on the horizon and a bleak summer of guest starring on The View (*like Loose Women but with more baking and less Jayne Macdonald)are recruited to the cause. Paula’s permanent slot on the panel goes to “Idol’s Biggest Fan” Ellen DeGeneres. It will make a refreshing change to have at least one member of the Idol family who is out of the damn closet instead of residing so far in the back they are intimate with Aslan and assorted fauns.
This little intro sequence was obviously filmed before Simon announced that this season will be his last. We know this because Ryan isn’t sobbing uncontrollably into a hankie. Instead he tells us that every season they come back bigger and better than EVER. Except next year when it will bomb like an Idol winner’s debut album of covers because Simon will have gone to X Factor shaped pastures new.
We have a brief montage of the sob stories to come. People with dead relatives, sick kids, hideous diseases and drug addictions have been plucked from the seething masses of auditionees so that their horrid little lives can be filmed for your viewing pleasure. Lots of deluded souls yell that they are the Next American Idol. Perched atop a roof somewhere in Boston, tiny Ryan forgets his lines and inexplicably doesn’t say THIS is American Idol. What the hell is going on? I can’t handle this much change in one season. He says something about the search starting here, which sounds suspiciously like something O’Leary spouted from a rainy plinth outside the O2 for X Factor. Everything is becoming a blur.
Boston has the grace to look as bloody awful and depressing as Birmingham as the rain hammers down and sodden auditionees are made to cheer. Ryan runs up and down a sports field trying to muster up some enthusiasm. Fortunately, the real judges don’t arrive till several months later, long after the 10,000 strong pile of trailer trash has been whittled down to 100 or so nutters along with the odd one who can carry a tune and whose teeth aren’t too bad for prime time telly. Suddenly its summer and the weather is all lovely so the judges can come out. Kara punches air, Randy says Yo, Simon wanders aimlessly around a building, possibly looking for Paula.
This week’s Guest Celebrity Judge is Victoria Beckham, who rolls up looking like an extra from Sinbad (you know, one of the fighting skeletons – except instead of a sword, she is wielding a Prada bag). Her bony frame is clad in a long red frock and she looks rather like a walking HB pencil. She has a pair of lacy panties tied in her hair. I guess they were too big for her skinny tush so she put them to use elsewhere. Her underwear probably come from the Barbie clothing line at Toys R Us. And even they have to be taken in by a seamstress at Chateaux Becks. Vicks reckons she will be a faberoony judge because she has been there singing her heart out before. Fortunately for us she gave all that up to become a full time bag of bones.
Why are we here again? Oh yes. People sing. That usually manages to spoil things. Just bring Ryan on in a thong, Id still watch for two hours. First up is Janet who spends her days playing the American Idol video game (who knew such a thing existed?) and cyber Simon (who they have managed to animate to look even gayer than the real thing) loves her. I have a Nostradamus like feeling that real life Simon will not be quite so enamoured with Janet and her ill fitting vest top. Ryan tries to keep a safe distance from Janet as she leaps around the waiting area. With every bounce, her top rides up another inch and her belly flops over the top of her jeans. Ryan hasn’t seen this much lady flesh since Liz Hurley turned up at the Oscars clad in only a safety pin and a hankie.
Janet bounds into the judges and tells them gleefully that she is awesome at the Idol video game. Simon tells her to “pretend she is on the game” with a wicked gleam, and it’s a crying shame none of the other judges picked up on that little cracker. *DONT GO SIMON* (
Now, if this were X Factor, the plinkety plonk of the Piano Chimes Of Doom would kick in now. On American Idol, they have Soft Guitar Notes of Despair. We meet 16 yr old Maddy who is child 9 of 12. In the UK, this would have legions of Daily Mail readers immediately huffing about the drain on the benefits system and would automatically assume a family of twelve lived on a squalid sink estate with a Sky Dish and a Pit Bull terrier. In fact, Maddy is part of a lovely family which include 4 brothers with Down’s Syndrome – 3 of which her parents adopted to keep the younger brother company. Maddy says the boys see the world in colours – and we should all try to do that. Oooh, it’s a Sponsored By Kleenex moment. Maddy is singing “Hallelujah” to which Simon asks if it’s the Leonard Cohen version? I wonder if he was expecting her to say “No, it’s the Alexandra Burke version” Heh heh. Luckily, the tentacles of the UK X Factor don’t seem to have made it as far as Boston. Maddy is pretty darn good with her version though and has that Kris Allen cuteness slash innocentness which no-one will ever dare underestimate again. The judges love her. Simon congratulates her for not being annoying and its 4 yeses – the first Welcome to Hollywood Baby of the series! Her family celebrate with balloons and a small brother tries to unzip Ryan’s jeans. It’s all good. Apart from when they cut back to the judges and Posh gives a freaky toothy smile which causes the one remaining layer of skin cells to stretch alarming and it’s like something out of a horror flick. Shudder.
Everyone in the waiting area cheers at Maddy’s Golden Ticket except for one guy who is some kind of manic depressive Clark Kent. He whinges about all the waiting. We will be coming back to him. Possibly with a restraining order.
The fact that suicidal Clark Kent hasn’t murdered the next contestant, Pat Ford, means he couldn’t be THAT bored of waiting. Scrawny teen ,Pat seems to think leaping around yelling “Holla” makes him entertaining. Clark gives him evils but refrains from stabbing him with a pencil. I hope Simon won’t be as restrained with his biro. Pat does a shit awful, camp version of Womaniser which has no redeeming features whatsoever. Randy asks him how he thinks he did. Pat reckons he “did awesome” and then swoons over Simon a little bit. “Oooh I think he likes you Simon” chuckles Vicky. “Yeah why not” says Si which may or may not have been good news for young Patrick. Randy tells him not to sing again EVER, but wants to hang out with him. Kara hugs him a lot, but you can tell Pat wishes he could get his hands on Simon’s chubby little Pecs instead.
A small medley of girls go through and the only point of recapping interest is the shot of Ryan running away very fast when faced with a rather large set of wobbly breasts heading towards him, their owner brandishing a golden ticket.
He doesn’t seem too keen on our next contestant, Amadeo Diricco at first either – a HUGE Italian American who is enthusiastically fist pumping and high fiving anyone in a two mile radius. Wee Ryan looks as terrified as he did with the rampaging boobies descending upon him. But Amadeo has one of those infeasibly large, stereotypical Italian families that cook and eat and bond over plates of pasta and The Sopranos. I’m certain Ryan has seen the Reality Show potential on offer here and begins to warm to Amadeo. The Kardashians are SO 2009.
Amadeo is going to sing “Hoochy Coochy Man” whatever the feck that is. Simon goes squinty eyed with suspicion as he always does when a song choice that he has no clue about is offered up. He isn’t all bad either – doing a dramatic version with bucket loads of enthusiasm and soul (defined by singing most of the song loudly with scrunched up eyes). The judges love him. Kara wants to go to dinner with him (Seacrest mentally pencils her in for a guest slot on Dining With The Diricco’s). Simon thinks he is “authentic” and has the likeability factor. Its four Yeses and Amadeo bursts out into the arms of several hefty brothers. Ryan seems MUCH more at home in the huddle of the beefy boys than he did with those scary lady lumps. He tells us there is far too much testosterone about and we need to tone that down a bit so here is floaty, spiritual Derek to dilute the atmosphere a tad.
Derek has flowing blond hair and wants to touch lives. He starts in slo mo, plucking a flower from nearby planter and winsomely blowing it out of his hand. It crashes unceremoniously to the ground and I fear this could be a metaphoric interpretation of his impending audition.
Victoria reads off her sheet that Derek thinks he is a cross between The Eagles and Chris Brown. Derek nods and tells us “I love the way he touches children all over the world”. Wasn’t that Michael Jackson? No one pulls Derek up on the fact that Jacko was the kiddie fiddler and Chris Brown was the woman beater which is I feel, unfortunate. It sullies the audition for me. He sings “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word” through his nose – helpfully he looks just like a girl with his long blond locks and fabulous bone structure, so if Chris were here, he’d probably happily smash that nose to a mushy pulp to spare us anymore god awful singing. Simon speaks for everyone and says he was rubbish. Derek slopes off in a deep depression, and tells us he could have touched America in a totally different way. Ryan says he’s glad he didn’t experience Derek’s touch. I’m not entirely convinced.
Next up is a medley of awfulness where a menagerie of hopefuls are dismissed by a plethora of camp shoulder shrugs from Simon, heaps of “I just didn’t get it dawgs” from Randy and a skeletal death smile of dismissal from Posh which sees ejected contestants run screaming into the safe, warm and comforting arms of Ry.
Mere Doyle is the next freak on offer. She is into Japanese Anime and designs Kimonos, 92 of which she seems to have bought to the audition. This impresses Ryan who calls her a “fashionista”. Ideally, Mere wants to be a pop star in Japan – shove off to Japanese Idol then love. She shouts some Janis Joplin at the judges who sigh in despair and tell her she is thirty kinds of crap. Mere isn’t having it though and insists her family, theatre directors and voice coaches tell her she is awesome. Probably because if they didn’t, she would attack them with some scary ninja move she had picked up from her anime fetish. She strops some more by saying they can’t tell her to stop doing what she loves. Simon tries to push the point home by telling he’d like to fly to the moon but he can’t. Then after a few seconds of ponderment, announces “I could actually” . Holy crap, Lunar Idol can only be a few short years away. Mere exits in a flurry of swearing and tears.
Ryan finds some hot boys harmonising in the holding room. Luke manages to be super cute, even in a silly woollen beanie hat. Kara and Posh squirm in their seats and giggle at each other like teenagers. Benjamin Bright (what a cool name) sings “All My Loving” and has the entire table of judgement swaying along. They are both through.
We return to manic depressive Clark Kent, Andrew Fenlon, who is becoming increasingly insane with each passing second he is made to wait. Production have decided to prod his simmering embers by leaving him till the very last few of the day. I hope Ryan’s lovely black shirt comes complete with a titanium lining as I fear Andrew might have come tooled up. Early in the day he is content to sigh heavily, this manifests later into hefty whinging, then into giving the finger to anyone who happens to wander by with a camera. It’s only a matter of time before he goes for Ryan with a carving knife.
Ryan enquires, from a few paces away, as to whether he is “Single, married, kids?” The answer didn’t surprise the nation, I’m certain of it. Bachelor Andrew does an immense job of winding up the judges. Simon asks why he is here and Andy says “That should be fairly obvious”. Ha! Simon pretends to be annoyed, but he secretly loves a good bitch up. Things improve even more when Andrew says he is singing “House Of The Rising Sun” and have they heard of that song? Kara, Posh and Randy have their gobs ajar in disbelief. Simon however is lapping it up seems to be crushing on him a little now. Andrew removes his Clark Kent specs and launches into the song – which isn’t that bad even though he sings it with a look on his face that implies he wants to torture the judges with some medieval spiky things. Kara wonders if he is Angry. Only from The God damn WAITING seethes Andrew. Kara launches into a tirade about him not being suitable for the music biz if he can’t wait for an audition for Idol. Andrew pouts. Simon says he has bad energy and Posh says it’s all irrelevant because he can’t sing.
Andrew suddenly realises things aren’t going well and says he was trying to be confident not arrogant. This doesn’t appease Kara one tiny jot and she rants on some more. Everyone says No except Simon who says Andrew has grown on him. Kara leaps about in despair at this and tells Andrew he needs a damn good spanking. Simon looks even more interested. Kara mutters that she bets Andrew has never had a girlfriend – Andrew seems quite transfixed with Kara’s ranting and has to shake himself to move off the stage. He has either fallen in love with her or his plotting to lurk in her bins later with a shotgun.
Ryan welcomes us back to Boston which is famed for music (apparently). I thought it was Cheers and Tea Parties. The audition halls have been rammed with Musical Theatre majors who appear to have bored everyone into submission. It’s too much gay, even for Simon.
Ashley Rodriguez is American Idol Contestant 101 material – pretty, humble and sweet with a lovely voice. She belts out Alicia Keys “If I Aint Got You” note perfect and Kara is singing along getting in with the vibe. It’s the first proper judgegasmic moment of the series so far – they all love her. From her shiny red shoes to her shiny brown hair, and less importantly, her shiny ole voice. It’s a full house of yeses and Hollywood beckons for Ashley.
Tyler Grady looks like Greg Brady all growed up. Masses of curly hair, retro 70s jeans and shirt and bizarrely, both hands in a cast from injuries sustained “climbing a tree”. He is either a fun loving boy or a rampant pervert. Simon wants to know which as well. Fortunately, Tyler seems harmless enough – because OBVIOUSLY no-one that cute could ever be a worrisome sex pest right? He sings “Lets Get It On” and Kara and Vicks do that squirmy thing in their seats that they do when hot boys sing nicely. Simon says it will be an audition he will remember but doesn’t divulge whether it’s because of his tight ball hugging jeans or his fab singing. Tyler gets a yes from everyone and is Going to Hollywood Baby.
At the end of day one, 17 Golden Tickets have been given out to Willy Wonkas Hollywood Factory.
Day two and they obviously didn’t have enough crazies to air, because there is a bizarre wodge of filler footage reinacting the Boston Tea Party with Captain Pugwash style animations of the judges. Well, this is one new low that even X Factor has never sunk to.
Lisa Olivero is a waitress who is tired of all that malarkey and wants people waiting on her instead. Just in case her vocal talents are a bit suspect, she has come dressed super tarty with a spray painted on outfit. “Simon’s gonna like you” says Posh, angling for Brownie Points. Lisa shouts out Mariah and jiggles her boobs. Everyone says no and she shimmies out wiggling her ass like Jessica Rabbit. Keeping in theme, Randy’s eyes do that “on stalks” thing that they do in cartoons.
Time for a shed load of shite with a never ending stream of useless auditionees that send Simon into a spiral of despair and eye rolls. Here’s Ryan to cheer us up, loitering by the elevators dressed in a cute little black T shirt that says “Save Some” on the front. On the back it says “Kisses For Me”. Probably. He never did turn round for me to check for sure.
He asks if Mike Davies could be the first one to perk up Simon? I’d say there was a good chance. 18 yr old Mike is rather divine, despite some dodgy facial hair. Mike’s “story” is based upon the fact he works on a speedboat called “Codzilla” which co-incidentally was just pulling up behind Simon’s head as he entered the audition room (outside obviously). God knows how long they kept the poor sod waiting so they could time that shot. He sings Yesterday, which seems to be a bit of a cop out – he has a rock band vibe about him and should have given them some Green Day or Nirvana. Still, the dreary Beatles tune goes down well with the Judgementation. Simon thinks he is confident without being obnoxious. Kara wants to hang with him. Kara seems to be using Idol auditions to set herself up with dates so far – and it works – Mike asks her out for a steak. Simon flings down his biro in disgust and buries his head in his hands. Randy tries to cheer him up and says “well maybe just you and Simon on the boat?” Simon frowns darkly and flounces off set in a sulk leaving Mike nervously thinking “Shit I chose the wrong judge to flirt with”. Bizarrely, Randy decides to leave as well, telling the girls to decide.
Outside, Ryan has Mike’s family lined up like they are waiting to use the bathroom. This is the oddest audition sequence EVER. Mike appears with a Golden Ticket and Ryan looks like a little elf lost amongst the celebrating Davies family. Mike proudly says he got a date with Kara – Ryan advises him they need to talk about that. Hee hee.
Sob Story Alert. 16 Year Old Katie lives with her giant Portuguese family in a tiny town (if she knew how many X Factor contestants dined out on simply coming from a Tiny Village, this would have been milked more). As an added extra , her Granny has Alzheimer’s and there is loads of footage of her spoon feeding her soup, stroking her brow and singing ballads to her. Granny won’t remember much about anything soon apparently, so Katie wants to live her dream and come home with good news before she is GONE. Bloody hell, this is even more morbid and depressing than an episode of East Enders. Fortunately, she is good – very good. She sings At Last and it’s not showy or shouty – just plain soulful and deep. The judges are impressed – rightly so. Katie is through! Outside, Ryan makes her call Doomed Grandma to impart the news – Katie tells Granny she WON – which is KIND OF overstating things a tad, but I guess the chances of Granny seeing next May are slim, so what the heck. Granny whoops and Ryan cries. Oh Ryan – its simply impossible not to love you.
Joshua is 28 and it’s his “last chance saloon” before being consigned to the Musical Scrap Heap (or the X Factor Over 25′s category, which is effectively the same thing). He sings something dull which I don’t recognise. Vicky thinks he had “a nice little voice”. Simon argues he sounded like he was 14 not 28, had no presence, power (or infeasibly tight jeans) so was unfortunately forgettable. Randy gets him to shout at Simon to make him more assertive but it fails. Simon makes him shout back at Randy. Who will win and get Joshua as their bitch? Josh stumbles around the mess admirably and comes across as being as cute as a basket of kittens. Who can stamp on kitten? Well Randy might eat one and Posh might make a frock out of one but fear not because- Josh is going to Hollywood baby!
Ryan’s up on some platform overlooking the judging area for no apparent reason other than maybe he just felt like being taller than everyone else for a change. We have a short medley of awfulness before we meet our next act, 27 year old Justin Williams. Justin has EVERYTHING an Idol contestant needs – good looks, a church background and cancer. Get the tissues, it’s ANOTHER sob story folks. Super duper cute Justin says cancer was “interesting and humbling” and we see heart rending footage of him in various hospital beds. It’s OK though because Ryan confirms that Justin is now cancer free – which surely deserves a really cuddlesome hug? For some mysterious reason, they don’t like showing Ryan hugging gorgeous boys so it’s all fist bumps and manly slaps instead. Justin sings “Feeling Good” mainly to Simon who is swooning awesomely. Oh and Justin is GOOD…he works it just right – a great voice, bucket loads of charisma and acres of likeability. Simon really does momentarily forget he shouldn’t be perving over men when the camera is on but who cares because Justin is super freaking HOT. Who wouldn’t? Randy tries to make Justin say he wants to be Michael Buble which is tiresome, as Justin is far more interesting than that. Eventually its 3 solid yeses from Randy, Kara and Vicks and a giggly one from Simon.
Ryan lies that Victoria has been a “lovely addition to the panel” and not something that has crawled from Ripley’s Believe it Or Not. Some footage of her being “lovely” (Ryan’s words) / Hideously Creepy (my words) to assorted contestants. Her advice seems to be mainly “go back to the stone from whence you emerged from”.
Norberto is channelling some kind of teen wolf slash Prince slash serial killer vibe and crucifies “Everytime”. I think he followed Vicky Beckham when she planned her Jailbreak from Ripley’s. He stuffs up on several levels and forgets the lyrics. Vicks empathises with that big time – although the rangy werewolf beard and dodgy Michael Jackson jacket – not so much. Norb says he is the next American Idol and wants to inspire people like MJ did. Simon tells him to stop being so deluded and to sod off. Which he does without much of a quibble. Simon chuckles he is Janet Jackson with a beard.
Bosa is another cog in the machine of yet another giant sized family unit, this time from Nigeria. Ryan teases Momma about her gigantic orange headscarf and it’s a welcome sigh of relief there is nary a sniff of terminal illness, severe mental disorder or a fashion faux pas (Momma’s headscarf aside). Bosa hopes the judges will see the shining light and the soul he has to offer. After the last contestant only offered sprinkles of craziness, I’m sure shining lights and soul will be greatly received.
Bosa sings “So Good In Love” and it’s a good solid performance. Simon thought he was “good but boring”. You see what happens when you don’t have cancer or a dying relative? You are BORING, that’s what. Vicks disagrees with Simon which culminates in a little spat for the cameras. Simon says no but the others put him through – Kara warns him to spice things up a bit. A terminal illness would be ideal, but a sudden addiction to Crystal Meth would probably suffice too.
The last contestant of the day is Leah Laurenti who has been held captive by some evil church cult and her bible bashing family according to her VT. This probably means her parents made her do Sunday School, but that doesn’t make such cool telly. Leah sings “Blue Skies” and the outward signs are good. Simon is gnawing on his biro, Kara is shoulder wiggling and Vicks looks slightly less like an emancipated corpse than usual. She has a nice tone to her voice and is allowed to sing a fair bit before being stopped. Randy says she is the best he has heard today and wasn’t expecting that. Kara agrees and its a 4 vote pass to Hollywood Baby. Leah phones her evil family who suddenly aren’t as evil as they were 3 minutes ago. If sobs stories are allowed at Hollywood week though, look out for Seacrest dressed as Jack Bauer, sent in to infiltrate the Evil Cult and bust her out so she can audition.
So, 31 Golden Tickets were dispensed in Boston! All the Hollywood bound Bostonians are rounded up and taken for a spin on Codzilla. Those that don’t fall overboard will be back to fight it out in a few short weeks.
Tomorrow we are coming from the “ATL” – Atlanta – which is a big city down south. Kind of America’s version of Portsmouth I think.
See you then.
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