Just in case you are not yet bored of excruciating sob stories, humiliation of the masses and a ritual massacring of Jennifer Hudson’s entire back catalogue, fear not, as here is yet another audition show for you to wallow in and enjoy. Optimistically titled “Best Of The Rest” I sincerely doubt we will be treated to an hour stuffed full of promise and hot young talent. My money is firmly on at least 3 people in “costume”, a hefty assortment of the clinically insane, a smattering of sex offenders and enough tragic tales to pad out 3 years of Jeremy Kyle (or whoever the American equivalent of baiting Chavs is).
Ryan lies its been the most talented year in the whole history of Idol EVER. I’ve not seen much evidence of this, even when they briefly recap the handful of contestants who COULD actually string three notes together in tune. Season 9’s finest hour so far, appears to be General Larry Platt’s “Pants On The Ground” which may have raised a brief curl of a smile on my face when I FIRST watched the show, but like the rest of the population, am now heartily sick of. Surely Larry is well overdue being put out to pasture in the Regis Philbin Home for the Nearly Dead Elderly Entertainer?
Jessica Furney from Denver tried out years ago but although seemed to have decent enough singing voice, we all know that’s NEVER enough for this show, so this year she is back. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to be clinging to a tale of doom which involve dead people or disease. Instead, she pulls a masterstroke and chooses a song that was co-written (and I use that term in its loosest possible sense) by Simon Cowell. Its Leona’s Footprints in the Sand. She promises she hasn’t chosen it to suck up but she SO did. Vicky Beckham (looking like Aunt Flo from Bod that took her Weight Watchers regime to the outer limits) is super impressed that Simon has written a song and goes rather swoony over him for awhile. He has the grace to look sheepish because in reality all he did was find this rather cool poem and told one of his paid song writers to base a tune around it. But I won’t tell if you don’t. Anyway, Jessica is rather good and does the “beautiful song” justice. Vicks interrogates Simon a bit more on his song writing skills and wants to know if he has written anymore? He very nearly blushes but not quite and deflects Posh’s Jack Bauer style questioning by ordering they vote. Its unanimous yeses for Jessica and her masterful song choice.
Ryan drops the bombshell that the road to Hollywood is paved with Attention Seekers and says its important to stand out. That’s why he used to wear those see through shirts and flouncy pink scarves. I miss those. Auditonee Amanda shows him that to stand out these days, you need to do a squeaky version of Britney, which he admires then sweetly asks her to do Lil’ Wayne as well. Amanda’s other talent is talking with her mouth closed which I’m sure can be handy for certain tasks. Not sure a singing audition is one of them mind. Anyway, Amanda is from a theatre background and although sings fairly well she fails to connect with the judges which sends her into a spiral of hair tossing and annoying Americanisms – “like SERIOUSLY?” “Like, I can REALLY connect with people”. Like, fuck off. Simon tells her she is “such an actress” and copies her over dramatic manoeuvres, slapping his hands, tossing his head and slamming the desk in faux diva behaviour before giving her a fairly surprising yes. Its Simon at his most adorable and I have to dab my eyes when I contemplate the hideous dull mess this show will be without him. She ends up with a full house and milks her moment with an acceptance speech and a curtsey. I’ve got her earmarked for trouble in Hollywood.
A brief and pointless montage of people with instruments that Ryan tells us they aren’t allowed to play in the audition. OK then. The judges ask a dreadlocked Crystal Bowersox why she has dragged in her guitar to which she replies “its a comfort blanket”. I bet her parents loved that when she was 2. She sings “Another Little Piece Of My Heart” and goes through with the biggest comfort blanket in history. Lee is another kid who comes in complete with his gee-tar but is made to abandon it to sing “Aint No Sunshine” which goes down a storm with the judgement.
There follows a rather dull segment of “fake outs” where contestants pretend they didn’t get a golden ticket but then suddenly produce it from their cleavage / bum crack / Ryan’s jeans. Yawn.
This episode is stuffed full of pointless montages and this next one is titled “Tried Out Before, Didn’t Make It, But Back To Be Humiliated One More Time”. I’d much rather see the one titled “Where Ryan Goes Swimming In Very Small Trunks”. But moving on…its chock a block of previous contestants back for another go. Simon remembers none of them, Kara appears to remember some that auditioned before she even joined the show. Randy just looks hungry and checks his giant sized watch in the hope it might be donut time.
Lacey Brown made the top 50 last year and lost out to the tattooed arms of Megan Joy. This year she is back singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” and the judges love her. She has a beautiful voice and the cynic in me thinks she lost out only to Megan’s tats rather than any comparative singing ability. Its a tick on her scorecard that she didn’t resort to any cheap tricks to get another try out in Hollywood. I may well eat my words when she rolls up with “I love You Simon” tattooed across her forehead come Hollywood week though.
Stephanie Fisher is back for a SEVENTH attempt, this time dressed in slutty hooker clothes and with a rather odd fixation about Posh who she idolises. She stands with her legs spread wider than is lady like and shouts “Fever” at Simon who she admits to having a huge crush on. He tells her she is crap but lets her have another go when she says that Posh is making her nervous. He tells Vicks to turn around so Stephanie can focus but naturally she is still as shit as before, even without Posh’s skeletal grimace to put her off. Simon tells her to come back for American Idol 27. She’d still be crap, but if she was 72 and still wearing the whoring gear, she might make the telly again. Vicky goes and grabs Stephanie for a hug. I think the laces on Steph’s Basque must of caught on a fibre of Vicky’s resplendent gown, as they sway like two matchstick Lowry people caught in a stiff Northern breeze for a good minute before parting.
A trio of 16 year olds go through. Rachel sings to that ugly Jonas Brother, Thaddeus looks like he is 25 years older than 16 but sings sweetly and Genesis has a cool name AND a cool voice. They all go through to very loud screams which only hormonal teens and hateful toddlers seem to be able to carry off.
Next up is a “Sports montage” yet STILL no long awaited footage of Ryan in swimwear. Instead, we are introduced to huge, blond Adrian. Adrian is six feet eight and they make Ryan stand next to him, so its like we are transported to Middle Earth where Frodo encounters Legolas for the first time. Albeit this Frodo is slightly camper and this Legolas slightly less svelte and Elvin than the film versions but I’m sure you get the picture. One of Adrian’s nicknames is “Blondzilla” which he loves and goes on to tell us he is a beautiful manflower which conjures up all sorts of less than healthy images to be honest. Adrian sings Elvis Presley’s Can’t Help Falling In Love With You and naturally the side splitting surprise is that gargantuan Adrian sounds like an 8 year old girl. Kara tells him he sounds like a child and Simon helpfully adds he might have eaten one. Haw. It’s bad news for Blondzilla but he does offer both Simon and Ryan his phone number and email in case a job opportunity arises. I’m not quite sure where an almost seven foot camp giant would slot in amongst their respective companies, but if you don’t ask you don’t get I suppose. I’m sure there might be an opening somewhere….?
Keeping with the theme of hulking men, meet “Big Mike” Lynche who manages to make Adrian appear rather weedy. He has arms the size of barrels and a chest the size of Asia. Fortunately though, this one doesn’t sound like he is wearing too tight underwear and instead has a deep soulful voice. He sings “Unchained Melody” which sends Kara and Miss Chenoweth into a giggling mess although that probably has more to do with his rippling biceps than his singing voice. Big Mike gets a full house of Yes and celebrates by picking up Ryan and jiggling him a bit. Ryan beams hugely and can’t resist fondling one of Mike’s impressive pecs. Good for you honey – I would have done too.
Well that’s enough mountain sized men for now. I feel the train of misery has been too long out of this station so here is Didi Benami with a wagon of woe to share. Her BFF died 4 years ago, which although sad, is a little lame when you are up against recently dead parents and terminal siblings. Still, they milk it to death (pardon the pun) with misty footage and a weepy backing track. In honour of her very dead friend, Didi is singing “Hey Jude” and is really good enough to have gotten through on her singing alone without needing to squeeze the teats of despair. Didi ends the performance with some tears which results in Simon narrowing his eyes and biting down hard on his biro. She gets a small yes from him and more enthusiastic yeses from the others. Ryan promises us more misery after the break. Oh whoopie doo.
Aaron Kelly shares his rather long saga of anguish which involve having incredibly shit parents, being adopted by relatives and basically having a Hard Upbringing. Well that’s how it was peddled. Reading between the lines, all this happened when he was a baby and the relatives that took him seem perfectly nice people, so Aaron probably didn’t remember one single jot of “hardship” but we won’t let that get in the way of a decent shovelling of gloom. Anyway, Aaron sings Miley’s The Climb just to doubly highlight the fact he has had it HARD no doubt. The judges LOVE him. He has a decent enough voice coupled with a sweet little boy look and is just the sort of contestant this show thrives on. If anyone is a shoe in for the lives it’s this kid. I’ll probably loathe him with every fibre of my soul by Week 2.
Kimberley Bishop appears to be here to take the piss. She seems zoned out on illegal substances and tells the camera without a smirk that she thinks she can be the next American Idol because she is into “recycling” and “helping children in Africa”. She sings Katy Perry’s I kissed a Girl whilst hoicking up her skimpy black negligee and rubbing her torso and nether regions suggestively. Unfortunately she can’t sing which is a real bugger because she would liven up Hollywood week no end. Kara thinks she is naughty (but kindly overlooks the fact she is high on crack) and Simon likes the way she grabbed her hair. I’m not sure if he was being REALLY rude here or not. Randy and Kara both say no but Simon says he would have said yes. Kimberley asks if they want another song or if she is dismissed…Simon grins wickedly and suggests that this was a bit of a turn on. Hmm, because scantily clad drug addicts with manners are REALLY his thing. If they were, then Paula would have been Mrs Cowell years ago.
Moving on we meet Shaddaii Harris who appears to have nothing to offer at all except a cute mom who kisses. She massacres “Fallin’” and Simon declares himself allergic to that song now. It’s all a bit of a pointless audition and she is rapidly despatched. That’s what you get for turning up without a back pack of melancholy or catastrophe.
The end appears to be nigh on the Auditions at last. They show Ryan with the Dallas cheerleaders AGAIN almost as if they are trying to make a point. Surely not. Then it’s our last contestant Hope Johnson who has grown up in poverty. American poverty seems much worse than British poverty (where you can only REALLY be classed as on the breadline if you don’t have Sky Sports and have to go to Spain not Bermuda for your hols). American poor people don’t even get food. How third world is that? Our kindly government keeps the entire nation topped up with enough cash for a nice curry and some tinnies from Alde. Hope tells us how she bought home her school lunch for her siblings and how there are much, much worse things than being poor. I’m borderline on vomiting or sniffling. She is a sweet little thing, so maybe all this pimping of suffering is actually genuine. So bloody hard to tell with this show. Anyway, Hope has a voice that is as sweet as she is and the judges are keen. Randy tells her to work on her phrases which sounds important. Ugly Jonas creature nods with a beam, Simon pulls his lip and says how much he likes her. It’s a full set of yes.
And that is IT. Season 9 auditions are over. There is a brief recap of all that we have seen over the last 8 shows – none of it makes my heart soar with expectation. Next week its onwards to Hollywood and Ellen…fingers crossed things improve!
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