Ryan has a pop quiz for us. Where did we find Fantasia, Clay Aiken and Jennifer Hudson? And was also the birthplace of the cutest little host on American telly? Seeing as the title of the show is “Atlanta Auditions” even those with the IQ of Paris Hilton might be able to have a wild stab in the dark at the answer. Paris however, is Stephen Hawking compared to the assembled thickies who shout out random city names which are WRONG. They show the hideous photo that they do every year of Ryan as a chubby kid wearing glasses, braces and bad clothes to let the ugly children of America have hope for their future. Its inspirational, truly. Even if the harsh reality is that most will be butt ugly adults too, working the tills at Wal-Mart and will not transform into a handsome swan and host American Idol.
Titles!
Ryan welcomes us back to “The Peach State” where zillions of people always turn up for Idol Auditions. I have a feeling not much else happens in Atlanta (apart from peach eating from the sounds of things) so, a bit like the Birmingham auditions back home, it’s a dead cert that every crazy in the state will have rolled up in their thousands.
Posh has gone back to her crypt and today we have “Empress Of Soul” Mary J Blige as a guest judge. Never a show to pass by a gimmick, today the judges are at the top of a very tall tower and the contestants have to gain access by elevator and rise to the 27th Floor. It’s all VERY 21st Century Rapunzel. Ryan warns it will be a very long ride down if they don’t get a Golden Ticket. Are failed auditionees going to be made to take the stairs instead? Or maybe to save electricity in these recession hit times, they will just lob them out of the window?
First of the day is Dewone Robinson who says he is a diamond in the rough and makes up his own songs. Ooh a kind of Atlanta Jay Z then? High hopes for Dewone! High hopes which are shattered within 0.5 seconds of him launching into his “own song”. Simon is instantly horrified and wants to know what kind of god awful shite this is? Randy explains it’s his “own song” so Dewone is allowed to continue for another 0.5 seconds before Simon’s back messing with him again wanting to know what the song is called. Dewone shoots him look that tells him he KNOWS he is being fucked with but says the song is called “Lady We’re Not Together Anymore” – which is like the theme tune to Simon’s LIFE and he is allowed to continue. It’s so bad that Mary J has collapsed into her Sponsored By Coke cup and Randy has laughed so hard, all the buttons on his shirt have popped off (he surely can’t have left them undone on PURPOSE?). Dewone blames Simon for putting him off his game so he is allowed to sing AGAIN and it all goes nowhere until Kara finally tells him to sod off. I’m definitely liking Kara more this year already.
Ryan embraces us back to the “ATL” and divulges that Atlanta is also known as “Hotlanta” where temperatures soar and people frolic in outdoor fountains. Unfortunately, we are not shown Ryan frolicking in a pair of Speedos in an outdoor fountain, but are tortured with a giant man with a very squeaky voice. The judges laugh and point as they are paid millions to do. Some Cheerleaders sing a song for no apparent reason – except maybe it’s the law that cheerleaders have to pop up somewhere on any given American TV show.
Keia Johnson is next and Ryan hopes her sweet smile can warm up the judging room. I wouldn’t be taking any bets on that. Simon compliments her hair but is incredulous that she won the “Miss Congeniality” award at some hideous pageant. He basically surmises that that is the award for ugly people and “Who wants that?” “I do” whimpers Keia – which makes all the other judges swoon with love and Simon rolls his eyes majestically. She asks if she should sing (always a good idea at a singing audition) and does a loud rendition of “My Heart Will Go On” which improves as it goes on. The judges are impressed – except for Simon who whinges that he can see her in Oklahoma. Mary J shuts him up nicely with a huge diatribe about technical musical ability which he cannot argue with, so resorts to being cute instead. Keia is cute back and its all nearly too much cute. Its four yeses and she leaps about in her neon yellow leggings which create major pixilation problems on my screen.
A trio of “good” girls are badly edited in a hot potch sequence. Miriam is singing The Climb, which we all now know is one of Simon’s favourtest songs EVER so she’s off to a cracking start. Simon watches with a goofy smile. Noel is unlikely pop star material with her braces and bad clothes, but we have all learnt from Seacrest’s kid pictures what can happen so don’t rule her out. She sings Whitney and the judges get her groove. Tisha is another who impresses the panel, with Randy and Mary J enthusing she is the best they have seen all day. All 3 are sent down in the Elevator of Dreams complete with Golden Tickets.
Jermaine Sellers is a Church Singer and Ryan is MOST impressed he gets paid to do this. You can tell he is thinking whether E! would take up an option on a reality show based around Church Singers. It would slot in nicely betwixt Keeping Up with the Kardashians and the Girls Of The Playboy Mansion don’t you think? Jermaine is covering ALL his Idol bases, as not only is he churchy, he has a bonus sick parent. Just hand him the Golden Ticket right now. Kara zooms right in on all this – “Caring for a sick mom AND singing in Church? Wow that’s really great” He is REALLY going to have to suck not to get through. This kind of religious despair landed several contestants in the top 12 last year. Simon has no reverence for the church or sick parents though and makes a spazzy noise when Jermaine says he is “here to sing”. Kara glares in rage. It’s awesome.
Jermaine is singing “One of Us” which is truly a great song, Kara’s practically orgasming already. And he does a superb job. In the words of Saint Louis Of Walsh – he really made the song his own. The judges hail him as the saviour of the universe. Or at least the Atlanta auditions. Jermaine sails through to Hollywood with ease. Lucky for Jermaine, sick mom is well enough to answer the phone and ring round the neighbourhood declaring her son’s new found fame.
Christy Marie Agronow has one of those faces you just want to punch even if you aren’t Chris Brown. Christy Marie is a TV Host and Producer in Atlanta and makes Ryan join in with some lame sliding hand movements she has made up for her show. I can think of a much better hand movement for it. Christy Marie is like a pastiche of all that is horrible about regional American television. The horrid squeaky voice, the sickly sweet simpering and the fake NICENESS makes me feel quite grateful for Kate Garroway and Penny Smith. You see JUST how bad this girl is? She plugs her show in front of the judges and Randy calls her “a walking commercial” . She offers to sing Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” but ends up simply shouting some words out that could be anything. Randy starts to crack up and Kara tries to restrain him. Mary J splutters in horror. When she finishes, Kara helpfully notes that love, is indeed a Battlefield. Christy simply cannot leave any metaphor unturned and pounces on the chance to say that THIS is her Battlefield and music is her PASSION. Kara wishes fervently she had kept her smart mouth shut. Simon tells her she is shit and to clear off. She still doesn’t stop smiling that deranged smile, even as she is despatched in the lift. On the ground floor, Ryan (who is dressed as the teeniest tiniest lumberjack in the whole wide world) waits with Christy Marie’s mom. By the time Christy reaches them, the cracks have opened and have split into a huge ravine of crazy. Her smile has now been replaced with uttering’s of discontent and she wanders out of the building plotting the downfall of Idol. Ha! As IF. The only way Idol will crumble is if Simon left….ohhhhhhh. Christy Marie – you BITCH.
A whole heap of rubbish people are dismissed in the elevator to the backing track “I’m Going Down” which is depressingly unoriginal. Van Halen’s Jump and a hearty shove off of the balcony would be tenfold more entertaining.
Vanessa Wolfe is no stranger to Jumping. Her vocation appears to be jumping off of bridges in bikinis “I like jumpin bridges – coz there aint much to do in Vonore, Tennessee”. Oh Holy fecking CRAP. To the strains of jolly banjos, we are introduced to Red Neck Central. Mom wears a shirt that says “Cow Tipping” which is obviously the only other form of entertainment in Tennessee. Vanessa lives in “probly the smallest town” and the Idol team have painted us the picture of complete and utter hell on earth. Well, if you aren’t familiar with Dagenham, anyway. Vanessa spends her days bridge jumping, cow tipping and walking the roads with a guitar. “I don’t have much” she drawls “cept this dress – it was $4.50 from Smyrna”. Smyrna must be the Tennessee equivalent of Dagenham market. She rocks with “momma” on a swing and they say they love each other. Then ‘Nessa tells us she is trapped in this godforsaken shit hole, and wants to dump momma, the bridges and the damn COWS and make something of herself. Naturally enough, College, a JOB or even spot of voluntary work is an alien concept to a reality show contestant and its only Idol that can rescue her from a life of continuous hell, singing country songs on a flaky porch. In Atlanta, she attaches her contestant number sticker with a gleam in her eye that says “Well even I don’t go through, I’ve got something else to wear”.
Vanessa is singing a song about Wagon Wheels, and I’m betting both myself and Simon are visualising tasty round chocolate biscuits all the way through her performance. It’s all very COUNTRY but since Carrie Underwood won, Simon isn’t quite so quick to dismiss a country hick with a camp flick of his biro and a nose wrinkle of contempt.
Ryan’s jiggling about downstairs with “momma” who hasn’t got butterflies, but “frogs” which tickles him no end. Back upstairs, the judgement are impressed with the ultra nervous Vanessa, and although Simon warns she needs some self belief he calls her sweet heart a lot to try and settle her nerves. Simon is used to dealing with slightly deranged singers these days – no sudden moves, no loud noises, and ideally, no Piers Morgan anywhere in the vicinity. Vanessa beams at his niceness and tells him “If I didn’t have a dress on, I’d throw you a back flip” . Simon looks completely terrified at what that might entail.
In the end its 4 Yeses and Simon warns Vanessa it’s all going to get completely insane in Hollywood but at this point she is screaming and shrieking and talking in that incomprehensible accent that it really doesn’t matter. He could have said they will be beating her with sharp sticks and she still would have imploded with glee. Downstairs, her excitement reaches new lofty peaks when it dawns on her she will be “ridin on an aero-plane”! Ryan beams at her joy and off she goes, running barefoot through the streets of Atlanta, shouting “I’m goin to Holleeeeeeewoooooood” . And that is the end of day 1 of the Atlanta auditions.
Day two dawns brightly. Simon’s in a chipper little mood this morning, bouncing onto the contestant area, pretending he is going to sing. Oooh someone got lucky last night. And here is Ryan, coincidentally, also quite chipper (just sayin) to introduce the next contestant, Jesse Hamilton.
Jesse seems only to have been bought on to take the complete piss out of, which makes for rather uncomfortable viewing. His “story” seems to be that he has nearly died 3 times in his 26 years (and is no doubt about to nearly die again in the audition room). There is a hideous “comedy” VT which makes fun of him nearly dying in his damn COT, with a lifeless baby doll added in for dramatic effect. This is seriously disturbing material – in all its glorious years of milking the teats of the sob story, X Factor has never ever decided to dramatise a dead brother ACTUALLY DYING or a reinact a scene of a house burning to the ground, complete with charred corpses strewn around for a little fucking interest. I’m beginning to realise why Simon has decided he has had enough of this show and all its ever increasing weirdness (* Now I’ve said that, I’ll probably be eating my words come August, when Simon employs the Chuckle Brothers to bring to life X Factor Sob Stories in their own unique style of pathos). In the audition, Jesse freezes and its all like “lets laugh at the retard” – I have to fast forward the whole damn segment because it’s just too horrible.
A short montage of crap, consisting mainly of girls weeping, but at least they don’t feel the need to add in a little sequence involving dead baby dolls, so things are improving slightly. Or so I thought. Instead, we have some bimbo who has come dressed as a guitar. Suddenly, comedic footage of misery doesn’t seem quite such a bad idea after all. Holly Arden calls herself “Guitar Girl” and has a horrible squeaky voice that’s almost as annoying as that hideous TV girl from yesterday. She wore the costume at Halloween, and everyone thought she was cute and wanted to strum her. Is that what they call it in Atlanta? Ryan doesn’t look like he wants to strum her at all, but seems keen on her guitar shaped glasses which he can’t resist trying on.
Simon groans with despair when Holly walks in, clad in her guitar outfit. And then groans a bit more when she announces her song choice is “You aint Woman Enough To Take My Man”. Come back X Factor and the 88th rendition of “And I’m Telling You” – all is forgiven. The surprise of the day though, that even looking like an reject from a Disney World parade and with a talking voice that could grate cheese, Holly has an almost perfect country singing voice. Simon has warmed up on her now and orders her to put the glasses back on then says she looks like an insect singing Country & Western. Holly replies she can always lose the guitar outfit which makes Si giggle a bit. Randy thinks she’s funny and Kara compliments her on being ballsy. Mary “just doesn’t get it”. Welcome to American Idol and all its Crazy Miss J Blige. Randy and Kara say yes, Mary says no. Holly crushes on Simon, hoping for a yes, telling him he is gorgeous. He asks if she honestly thinks he is the sort of person that would respond to that kind of flattery? Abso-fecking-lutely. Holly emerges from the elevator clutching her Golden Ticket and screaming loud enough to shatter glass.
Yet another medley of awfulness starts with Lathan who Simon decides is like a cat barking – it shouldn’t happen. Sweet but uber camp Blake turns up in a “Britney Spears Saved My Life” T shirt and then, without a tiny hint of irony, completely destroys “Oops I Did It Again”. “Oops is right” sighs Kara. Mallorie Haley is a cute little thing, with lots of hair wafting about and boobs unashamedly busting out of a tight fitting white dress. She sings “Piece of My Heart” with a country vibe which goes down well with the judges. Mary reckons she was “Dope” which I’m guessing is a compliment and not a request. Randy liked her “look” and Simon thought she was “fearless” (which is a comment that ALWAYS ticks me off – they are freaking SINGING, not mounting an armed assault on a tyrannical third world leader). Anyway, its four yeses and she is going to Hollywood.
Everyone is surprised how well it’s all going so we must be well overdue a car crash or two surely? Yes, of course we are – here is “Skii-Bo-Ski” (or Antonio if he isn’t auditioning for Idol) who rattles on for an eternity about god only knows what. He proudly shows off a homemade jacket with his stage name emblazoned down the side – a producer helpfully tells him its spelt wrong – which doesn’t deter him one iota, mores the pity. It’s a shame the numpty who embroidered the bloody jacket just didn’t write “Annoying Knob” instead. Simon frowns as hard as his Botox will allow when Antonio enters the bear pit. Randy and Kara toy with him a bit and you can feel Simon’s thoroughly pissed off vibe seeping down the table. But it’s another surprise – he is actually not half bad. Simon shudders a little to start with (not in a good way) but as he continues to sing “Heard it Through the Grapevine” he demonstrates a fair bit of range and control. Once he stops singing though, he goes back to being off the scales of annoying. Simon says he hates everything about him. Antonio flirts with Kara and Mary a little, which is uber creepy. Randy tells him he has a good voice but to lose all the other shittery. He gets through with his Golden Ticket and goes to annoy the entire holding area with his inane Skii Bo Ski screeching. I pity the poor sods that have to do a group audition with this one in Hollywood.
BFF’s Carmen and Lauren are made up like two creepy dollies that 4 year olds were let loose on with some brightly coloured crayons. Ryan enquires as to what will happen if one makes it and the other doesn’t (we so know how THIS is going to work out don’t we?). The foolish twosome simper that aint never gonna happen. Upstairs, they go from mildly irritating to inducing an overwhelming desire to slit wrists and bleed to death rather than listen to one more SECOND of their inane babbling. Simon tries to set them against each by asking who is the better singer – they insist they are THE SAME, which means one will be at least 87 miles worse than the other. Simon mutters under his breath about how horribly annoying the pair of them are. Lauren goes first and is the crap one with a quiet voice. Carmen outshines her completely as predicted and is the Law Of Idol. Simon has perked up a bit and wants them to make a group (oooh, recruiting for X Factor already, the naughty little scamp). Naturally enough, Carmen makes it and Lauren doesn’t, and there is lots of close up footage of Lauren’s outraged face trying to look pleased for her BFF. 10p says they haven’t ever spoken again since that day. Lauren will forever refer to Carmen as “that bitch who screwed me over”. Ah, the ups and downs of friendships eh?
Ryan introduces an assortment of Southern Belles whose common trait is delusion. The first is so bad, Mary J blurts out a horrified “Oh God” which, in the Deep South is equivalent to “you mother fucking son of a bitch” – I think. A manly looking girl whispers something unknown and a much prettier one stops abruptly because of the judges “facial expressions”. Maybe she doesn’t realise Simon always looks like that, it’s the injections you know.
Simon fakes a migraine and steps out. Come on dude, we all know you are going out for a fag. Now, where is Ryan? Nowhere to be found. Oh well, we are down a judge and host, but we’ll muster through somehow.
Welcome Brian Walker who is a Police Officer. I’m not sure what’s legal and what’s not in the State of Georgia, but Brian is probably well advised to stay away from the gents toilets for a little while at least. Good ole Boy Brian serves the community dealing with hard hitting stuff like seatbelts and traffic cones. It’s no wonder then, he wants to break free into the world of singing. He says he is going to sing “Superstar” in the style of Ruben Studdard and its a crying shame Simon isn’t there to take the piss out of that statement big time. Brian rocks it though – he is fantastic. The slightly depleted judgement rave and send him to Hollywood Baby!
Lamar Royal is dead excited to be meeting Mary J Blige who he describes as an Idol herself. He also squints scarily into the camera and says he respects the judges and is ready to accept criticism. Oh shit – the Law Of Idol suggests we are going to see a Krakatoan Eruption of crazy. He shouts “Kiss From A Rose” at them, whilst doing these odd twitching movements which imply his calming meds are wearing off. Randy describes him as torturous but tries to offer some advice. Kara cuts in with some bite sized chunks of calm but it’s no good. Lamar is slipping into derangement at an alarming rate. He tosses out a snatch of My Cherie Amour then cries a little. It all goes completely tits up and Lamar ends up being escorted out by security swearing profusely. I’m quite relieved my little Ryan has gone MIA and won’t be hurt by that big ole nasty man. Lamar suggests the judgement should have intimate relations with their mothers which is hilariously interspersed with him still singing snatches of My Cherie Amour. Some passing motorists give him a rousing burst of applause which seem to finally shut him up. Lamar’s parting shot amongst the profanity is to wish that Paula was here. Ha. She’d have a fair bit in common with this fruit loop wouldn’t she?
We are back for the last audition of the day. Simon and Ryan have turned up again from wherever it was they disappeared to and here is “General” Larry Platt who is 62 and just tiny bit over the 28 year old age limit for Idol. I smell a gimmick. Clues are Ryan has been allowed into the judging room to witness whatever carnage the producers know what’s coming and two, its nearly two shows in and we haven’t had a “YouTube internet sensation” yet.
So the “General” sings his own composition “Pants On The Ground” which is a deep insight into the teenage fashion traits of the 21st Century ergo the reason why the world is in such a god awful mess. Or it might be just a some old boy who thinks that boys with their trousers sloshing round their knees look absolutely fecking ridiculous. Who can tell? Idol is such a fusion of mixed messages it’s impossible to know what the notion is. Randy says the song makes him want to buy belts. Simon thinks the song could be a hit. They all play with Larry for a little while and things get cute again for the final time in Atlanta. Then it’s all over. Ryan assures us his pants are now pulled up and goes to sit in Randy’s chair whilst Randy gets down with the General for another rousing rendition of “Pants On The Ground” . For Atlanta’s final goodbye, the 25 lucky contestants that got Golden Tickets are given their first taste of fame, when they are made to sing Pants on the Ground. They need to make bloody sure this makes YouTube tomorrow.
Next week! Its Chicago with what looks like another shed load of crazy, with the added giggle factor of Randy in a two tone check shirt and Simon in a cardigan that C&A probably would have balked at selling because its was too hideous.
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